Obviously, I do like him.
This fact occurred to me (too late, of course) sometime after I told him that I didn’t want to commit to anything, and that it was up to him if we kept seeing each other because I didn’t want to lead him on.
I keep thinking up odd stuff that I forgot to put in earlier entries; yesterday in class, for example, I was sick, and we had this whole-class peer review thing, of three pages of one of Dean’s short stories, in fact, and then a poem another girl wrote.
Well, as I was quite ill physically, at least, and a little strung out emotionally, I just…sat there, with my head down on the desk. I was listening…sort of. And at the end of class, L’Owen looked around and said, “There are six minutes left…and I know there are a couple people in here who haven’t said anything this whole time…who are they…?”
I did a quick scan and saw that there were only two of us who hadn’t spoken, and…he was bound to notice that. So I raised my hand to get it over with. I figured if I sacrificed myself, it would be a lot better for me than letting him call me out.
“GINNY!” he said, grinning with delight. “You haven’t said one word today; you’ve been slouched down there in your seat, and somehow we’ve completely missed you! Well, Ginny, you’re going to talk for the next six minutes.”
I stared at him. (I was stalling.)
“Go on!” he said. “Let’s hear what you’ve got to say; there must be something.”
Well, we were on Dean’s story, and I sort of…glanced at him sideways, and then I said something. I have no idea what it was. All the comments I’d thought about making had already been hashed over. I really don’t know what I said. It may have been relevant, maybe not.
I said something that I knew he’d have to defend, and he did, and I responded with something (I seriously do not remember what we were talking about) and I’m sitting here thinking, Is this an argument?–I think we’re arguing. He hates me. He so hates me.
Anyway, after the events of yesterday and today, by the time I got to work, I was considering calling him immediately after to tell him that I am sorry, I’m stupid, I do like him, and I don’t want to stop seeing him. That is the point I had reached. And Michelle and Adrianna thought this was a good idea, too.
Then I talked to Sandra, who scared the hell out of me.
Sandra’s opinion on it all is that if he respected what I’d said to him, then he’d still want to be friends and things should go on pretty much like normal. The fact that he is now basically shunning me, she thinks, shows that he only wanted me for one thing, and since he knows he’s not going to get it, he wants nothing more to do with me.
I stared at her in horror, thinking that yes, this did make sense, and that Sandra, being in her forties/fifties, would know better than the rest of us. (She said it happened to her before.)
I switched places with Adrianna to go and serve with Michelle and see what she thought. Then I decided to share with Tyler, as he is a guy, and get his opinion.
Somehow, I explained the whole story to Tyler in about five sentences. I have no idea how I accomplished this. I’ll never manage it again.
Tyler’s instinct is that he really does like me and is just hurt (which is my instinct, as well as the instinct of pretty much everyone who has actually met him), and he said, “Like, if I only wanted you [he lowered his voice here] for sex [normal voice again], then if you told me that you didn’t want a serious relationship, I would come back with, ‘That’s great! Me neither!’”
But we all agreed that Sandra really could have a point.
After that I was too frightened by it all to call him. I’m going to see what happens in class tomorrow, and take it from there.
Also at work tonight, Michelle and Tyler and I stood around talking for a good while, and then I had to go on a quest for more marinara, and when I came back, they explained to me that nothing was said while I was gone; conversation completely ceased. They were looking forward to me coming back to break the awkward silence. Conversation depended on me, they said.
Of course, this reminded me of the episode of Seinfeld when George and Elaine can’t talk to each other without Jerry there. I told them so.
Tyler said, “I would be Elaine. I claim her right now.”
Michelle said, “No way; you can’t be Elaine! She’s a woman!”
I said, “I’m Jerry.”
“True,” she said.
“Besides, you’re short,” I told her, and Tyler and I both snickered.
Corey reminded me of Seinfeld today, too. The first thing I heard him say was, “I am on no sleep!”
So I finished up, “No sleep! You don’t know what it’s like over there!”
Katie cackled, and I did, too, and she said, “YUS, the Red Menace!”
Know-It-All looked at us, laughing a bit and shaking her head, and she said, “I love watching these two. They sit there laughing evilly about all their little inside jokes, and you think they’re laughing at you, but most of the time they really aren’t.”
Katie and I looked at each other, and one of us said, “Except that we actually are, usually.” Or maybe we only thought it. I can’t remember. That was right about the point that Dean the Mormon showed up.
I completely forgot my history quiz until last night at 3:30, when I was going to bed. So I got out the sheet and memorized the twenty terms in order in just about five minutes. I cannot tell you how amazed I was; usually it takes way longer. After reading them once pretty much, I knew them all.
Katie and I went to Steak ‘n’ Shake at midnight and, by 1:45, had frightened all the customers away. Score.
I should sleep. I have to pick up my contacts tomorrow, and the office closes at twelve. I didn’t make it on Monday. (It was like 12:45 by the time I got there.)