I was so incredibly nervous about what might happen when I saw him today that I walked to class shaking. Corey, as I was talking to him, mistook this for my being cold and moved me into the sun.
Well, as it turned out, he was obviously trying to act like things were normal between us. He made a valiant effort. And I still had every intention of making the phone call immediately after class, if he didn’t walk to the car with me.
A couple things about class—I turned in the love poem, which I thought had totally sucked because I suck at poetry, but maybe that’s just me—L’Owen told me he loved it and asked permission to read it aloud next class. He was also thoroughly amused with the title of the fourteen pages I handed him: “Stalkers Anonymous”.
The member of our group who was supposed to have sent us his story online to read before today never sent it, so we really had nothing at all to talk about, my other group member and I…except he had the rest of Dean’s story, so he was planning to just join their group. I, of course, had not seen the rest of the story, and this guy’s sitting there saying, “That guy [Dean] is a genius, seriously.”
I’m like, “I know.” Stop talking to me about it!
L’Owen told me that if Josh (the other member of our group) did not show up, then I had no reason to stick around, so to give it ten minutes. Mike was counting down. Josh showed up when I had, like…one minute to go. Go figure. Haha. So then he and Mike start discussing how brilliant Dean is…meanwhile, I’ve been shamelessly staring at him ever since I first arrived. At that point, though, his back was to me, so he couldn’t have noticed.
When all was said and done at the end of class, I was talking to L’Owen, and Dean was leaving, and I’m looking up at him—trying to do so inconspicuously—wondering if he’s going to say good-bye, assuming he isn’t, when he turns and looks at me and says, “I’ll wait for you outside.”
I think I beamed.
I went outside, and we talked to the group for a moment or so, and he announced that he was leaving, so I went with him.
Conversation was…well…it was…odd. Sort of stilted, I guess.
When we got to the parking lot, he said, “Walk to my car with me, I’ve got something for you.”
So he takes out a stack of books that he’d been talking about loaning to me, before I went and turned all stupid, and was saying, “Things between us have been…”
“Awkward,” I finished. “Yes, I noticed.”
“Yeah…well, I wanted to loan you these as a sort of peace offering.”
So there he was, willing to make peace and at least attempt to bring things back to some level that they were before, even after what I’d told him on the phone. That was enough for me to see that Sandra was way wrong in her speculations (see previous entry).
“Um…I’ve been thinking,” I said. “I realized that I’m stupid, and I don’t want to stop seeing you, after all.” (As I explained to Michelle yesterday, I never looked forward so much to telling somebody I was stupid.)
He smiled, in a sort of I-want-to-believe-you-but-you’d-better-prove-it way and said, “What brought that on?”
“I—I’m not sure,” I stuttered. “Well, obviously, it was partially due to how weird things had gotten…like yesterday, when you wouldn’t even look at me.” I watched him carefully, to see if perhaps yesterday was just some sort of fluke, and that hadn’t been intentional.
“Yeah,” he said, and nodded–yes, he had been deliberately ignoring me. Well, I did deserve it.
“But…yeah. I changed my mind. I don’t know what the hell my problem is.”
“I’m afraid I came on too strong the other night. It was never my intention to make you think…you know, that you’re the only one for me, or…anything like that. It was true what I said; I’ve never really felt this way for someone before, and I wanted to tell you that, and at least give it a shot. It could last a day, it could last a week, who knows? But at least we’d have tried. I didn’t mean to spook you. We just need to take things very slowly.”
I, of course, agreed. Then I told him about Katie’s response to witnessing our exchange, or lack thereof, yesterday.
“I just didn’t know what to do, really,” he said. “I mean, I was hurting, for one thing, and then I didn’t know what to say to you at all, and…well, I felt really wrong about it, so I wanted to try and make up.”
Then I had to go to work, and he stood back, even though he was giving me that same look that I always assumed meant he wanted to kiss me. He wasn’t going to do anything. That’s certainly respectful. So I put my arms around him and kissed him instead. Then I told him I’d call him after work and walked happily back to my car.
So…yeah. We fixed things.
Today was a good day.