Forget everything you have ever heard: Plan 9 From Outer Space is not the worst movie ever made; The Star Wars Holiday Special is.
For the most part, it wasn’t even laughably bad; it was just unspeakably so! No plot; I’m serious! Things just randomly happened—random characters appeared and disappeared, musical numbers were performed merely for the sake of taking up time! Carrie Fisher sang. Entire scenes of Wookiees conversing in Wookiee (with no subtitles, might I add) were played. That was the whole movie, basically. The one brief scene with Darth Vader was stolen right out of A New Hope. There’s a place in the end when Chewie arbitrarily stares into space and dreams about things that happened in A New Hope—some of which he didn’t even witness. None of it fit into the timeline at all (which led me to the conclusion that it must have all been taking place in a separate dimension—although, as I pointed out, I didn’t know why I was bothering with the attempt at rationalization when there was no rationality to any of it at all). The cartoon made more sense than anything else, even though we couldn’t see why that was placed in there, either…and right in the middle of everything. There was something like soft porn, and there was a Bizarro Rocky Horror Martha Stewart. I didn’t understand! I still don’t, and I promise you—I never will.
On with the Will Ferrell dream.
I was bored one night, and nobody could hang out, so for some reason I decided to drive to St. Augustine…alone…down A1A (a drive that I do love, but it’s already creepy when you’re with somebody—imagine being completely alone at about 8:30 when it’s dark).
I arrive, park, and go walking down St. George Street. I’m just walking along, and everything is closed, and…nobody is there at all, except me. And I’m walking…and then I pass this little arcade thing, where there is a light on, and somebody is inside, hyperactively running around to various machines. It’s Will Ferrell. I stop, look at him strangely, and continue on my way.
About two hours later, when I’m coming back in the other direction, I see that he is still in there, and now he looks drunk, and is clinging on to an air hockey machine (because that is apparently the only way he can keep himself upright by this point). And he’s whacking the puck against the walls of the machine, and he just really looks drunk. I walk in and say, “I would be absolutely delighted to play a game with you.”
He looks thrilled, too, and gives me the…not the puck, but the other thing…um…whatever it’s called. He then takes out a large white plastic egg and starts trying to hit the puck with that.
I say, “Uh…what’s that?”
He replies, “Harry Potter.”
Of course, this line somehow makes perfect sense to me in my dream, so I just nod and continue playing. I think the way I interpreted it was that it was supposed to be Norbert’s egg, and it was some sort of children’s toy.
We give up on the game after a while and just walk outside, and he’s clinging onto me for support…and we round a corner, and there’s Kristen, who immediately goes all fangirlish and wants a picture with Will. I happily oblige, knowing well about her obsession, of course. And he then clings onto her and slurs, “Great! I have a girlfriend now!” which thrills Kristen even more.
And then Cortney, Nicole, and Katie all show up, and we’re all standing together looking at Kristen and Will Ferrell and saying, “Awwww, how cute!” Not really like us at all, but…there you have it.
And that was really it. I’d better go to bed now.