Maybe I should try and get these thoughts out for my own benefit, because everyone misunderstands me and is really obnoxious about it when I try to bring these things up.
I’ve come to a few realizations/decisions.
I want to be my own heroine. I want to be respected and admired, whether I get the faerie tale ending…or not. I want to be deserving of the faerie tale ending, also whether or not it comes to me. So I will strive to be the novel heroine…the one who is good and upright and noble and strong, no matter what might happen to her. I will be worthy of respect and admiration! How could it hurt to become someone like that?
I have also finally decided to stop taking other people’s advice about my own love life and not attempt to play on jealousy any longer. I love Milo, and I want it to be a real, pure love, and I want him to come to me on his own, not because of a wicked emotion like jealousy. There are other ways to be desirable to someone without having to resort to jealousy.
So I asked myself what these other ways might be. And I came up with the answer that I described in the above paragraphs. If I become the person who is worthy of respect, who is mature, (as I promised him months ago I was, and would prove to him), then he is far more likely to eventually love me as I am. I wrote an entry in here once (I think it was in here) about how I wanted to become the sort of person that he would be able to love. I knew that I needed to mature a great deal. In trying to prove to myself and to him that I am that person, I will simultaneously grow more into that person. If I show him that I can handle his having a relationship with somebody else, without crying all the time, without acting like a baby because he does have somebody else, it just makes me look that much better. He wouldn’t grow interested in me if I’m moping around all the time, or if I outwardly just show hatred toward his girlfriend. No. That won’t work. I need to be strong and proud and just be myself, with or without a man by my side.
I also realized, based on a number of things, that he is not ready to be with me right now. You know how I keep saying that I don’t think he knows what love is yet? And what Gary told me the other day, about the sort of advice Milo gave to him, and just so many things combining to show he’s just not at the level that I am yet. Which is normal—guys aren’t supposed to mature as quickly as girls. I want to give him time. I want him to grow into the sort of person he is going to be…the one who will love entirely and who will share my understanding of what love is. Until then, I can wait.
To make everybody else who isn’t me happy, though, I can date on the side while I wait. I refuse to have a relationship, because I don’t want one, but I can do that much. Not to make him jealous, just to show everyone that I’m not just sitting there and moping around.
There’s also the fact that Cort told me to stop thinking about it. Obviously, I can’t do that, but I can stop talking about it—to almost everyone. I can shut out almost everyone, though I’ll have to have an outlet. That’ll be Katie and Tinny, as I have already asked their permission. They will still hear everything, bad and good—but only the good will go in the journal from now on. That way, I won’t look back on it later and find all this terrible stuff that I don’t really want to remember—I’ll seem like a happy sort of person, which is as it should be. I will be outwardly happy, as I will be mostly shielding the bad stuff from everyone but the two of them.
Update to the perfume list:
- Versace Bright Crystal
- Calvin Klein Euphoria
- Lancome La Vie Est Belle
- Jo Malone London Mimosa & Cardamom
- Michael Kors Sexy Amber
- Michael Kors 24K Brilliant Gold
- Michael Kors Glam Jasmine
- Marc Jacobs Decadence
- Marc Jacobs Daisy
- Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream
- Marc Jacobs Daisy Eau So Fresh
- Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet – When I closed my eyes and smelled this one for the first time, I had instant mental images of white tablecloths, crystal chandeliers, a tuxedoed live band, and the word “elegant”. Unfortunately, this scent does not appear to be available in an EDP and did not last very long. It lasted longer than either of the Ralph Lauren scents, however.
- Miss Dior Eau de Toilette
- Miss Dior Eau de Parfum
- Chanel Chance
- Chanel Coco Mademoiselle
- My Burberry
- Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium
- Elizabeth Arden Untold
- Elizabeth Arden Untold Absolu
- Modern Muse Le Rouge
- Vince Camuto Capri – I really liked this one. It was calming and lasted most of the day. It described itself as a “cool breeze off the Mediterranean Sea”, and I felt like I could visualize that when I smelled it.
- Dior J’Adore – This lasted all day, first of all. When I closed my eyes I pictured hay fields, for some reason, and then just couldn’t stop picturing them. I would say I definitely liked it, though at times it almost seemed too adult. Almost. Though maybe that would be okay if I was wanting to feel grown-up for an event or something.
- Thierry Mugler Alien – I thought I would like this one seeing as it was made up of pretty much all things I enjoy, but maybe I just didn’t like the way they went together? Something about it was too strong and off-putting, and the thought that crossed my mind was that it was just too “adult” for me somehow. Long-lasting, though. I won’t be trying it again, for sure.
- Ralph Lauren Romance – I actually really liked the scent, but it only lasted for about an hour. Maybe the concentration was just too low? But whatever the problem was, I can’t choose as a signature scent something that I’m going to have to reapply several times throughout the day. That’s not simple enough for me.
- Ralph Lauren Midnight Romance – Not a fan. It was too sickeningly sweet and also only lasted around an hour (thank goodness).
- Miu-Miu – Initially I liked it. There’s this cool pepper note that I haven’t found in a lot of other scents. But as the day went on, that pepper grew to be almost overbearing and was just too strong for me. The lasting power was so-so–not the best, but not the worst, either.