I think I updated yesterday (and maybe even the day before that, too) but I feel like I haven’t updated in forever.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I feel really super-stressed about school right now. Well, not only stressed, but also not driven at all. I feel like I have enough drive to get myself to classes, but that’s it. I don’t want to pay attention when I get in there, I don’t want to study, I don’t want to do any homework at all…I don’t know what’s wrong.
I’ve been giving it some thought, and I think part of the problem might be that I’m taking journalism right now, which is going to be my major, and I’m just so petrified that I won’t like it. Because if I don’t like it, what then? What the hell will I do for a major?
And how will I really know if I don’t like it by just the end of this one semester? What if I do okay in here, but that’s because it’s just a college class, and I really can’t cut it in the real world?
Or what if I just…suck…before I even get out of this class? I don’t know what I would do. I know I’m not a fabulous writer, that I don’t compare to plenty of other people…. I’m not creative; all my creativity comes from my bloody dreams, so it’s like I’m not making anything up on my own, but I’m stealing everything from my subconscious! Not that that’s what journalism is really about, but still, how would I ever come up with inspiration for something to write every single day, when I can’t even find one idea for a story to do at FSCJ?
So I feel like I’m going to be forcing myself to like this class so that I won’t be too afraid to continue on this path. I think, so far, I actually do like it, but that I’ll never know for sure because I won’t allow myself to believe that I don’t. So even if this path is not right for me, I won’t even know it.
And I get stressed about everything, so an influx of stress wouldn’t catch my attention; it wouldn’t send the necessary warning signals—“HEY! You shouldn’t be here! Take something else!”
Then there are those two huge projects I have to do for American History and Women’s Studies.
And there’s the fact that all of my grades from my Earth Science class come from the tests, and I know I’m not a good test-taker, and this teacher doesn’t even give reviews.
So each class is giving me stress. I think I just…don’t feel like trying because I feel I am destined to fail.
And I was sick all weekend, so I didn’t take care of that stressor list I was going to make. I didn’t accomplish anything that was on it.
Let’s see…. I have to pay the two bloody parking tickets…finish applying to UCF (and UNF, just in case, which means I’ll need SAT scores and high school transcripts for both schools)…get those interviews out of the way (how the hell will I know when I’ve got nine pages on tape!?)…oh…what else?…I don’t even remember what all the other stuff is offhand, but that can’t be everything!
Oh, whatever. I just feel more stressed now, now that I know what’s bothering me.