In my dream last night I was searching for…something. I really want to say it was real, whatever it was, but I can’t remember what it was!…some Indiana-Jones-ish thing, an ancient relic of a bygone age, which may or may not have ever actually existed, but for which people have been searching for centuries. Now here’s the really super-weird part about all this—there were three characters in this particular storyline: One was me; one was Johnny Depp, and I have really no idea how he crept into my subconscious; and one was a giant muffin which spoke and somehow moved.
So we’re searching for this…whatever-it-was (but I want to say it was a city, I’m just not sure!…), and I went to enlist the help of detective Johnny Depp (why would we hire a detective? and why was it freaking not Harrison Ford who was in this dream?) to find it. So then it’s the three of us looking for this old…thing. Haha. Right, well…some things happen which I can now no longer remember…a lot of searching through old libraries like the one in Venice in Last Crusade…. Anyway, a lot of time passes. Eventually, we discover that this whatever-it-is is older than anyone has ever assumed…a whole lot older. Like, before the Mayans older. (The Mayans had never before figured into any accounts of this thing that we were searching for, so it was of huge importance that the thing dated before them.) The secret of the thing’s final resting place, or the location of the ancient city, or whatever it was (I tend to think it was more along the lines of a city) lay at the top of this ancient Mayan pyramid. So we arrive at the base of this pyramid, all standing in awe, staring way up there at the top of this thing (the muffin didn’t have a face—it just looked like a muffin—but it was staring, too)…just awestruck at the idea that we were about to discover something that so many people had been searching for for so long…. And then we discover that the pyramid has no stairs. How were we going to get up to the top!?
We’re staring at it, and it is Johnny Depp who at last points out that there are indentations at random places, which we could probably put our hands into to climb up (all being master rock-climbers, and all) all the way to the top. He and I are immediately confident and start preparing to climb this thing…but the muffin sort of shrinks back, looking scared. (Picture that in your mind; just picture it.) We both look at it and immediately start trying to reassure it that it can climb the wall. (What were we, blind or something? Did we even realize we were talking to a freaking muffin?) Finally, after much (and I mean a lot of) coaxing, the muffin agrees to attempt to climb this pyramid with us.
After an awful lot of climbing, we are almost to the top, when Johnny Depp discovers this little lever thing. He pulls on it—hard—and gradually stairs rise up beneath us. We’re no longer clinging onto the side there for dear life…we can actually walk up. But the stairs start coming from the top and are coming down slowly…I see him pull this lever thing, because I’m right below him, but the muffin is way back there, so Depp yells, “LOOK OUT DOWN THERE!” We hear a brief, muffled cry of alarm from the muffin, and after the rumbling of the stairs moving into place ceases, the muffin yells up, infuriated, “THERE WERE STAIRS ON THIS THING!?” Depp yells back, “SORRY!”
We walk the rest of the way to the top, and are looking around, and we find whatever it is we need, but then the muffin’s afraid to go back down, because those stairs are really narrow. So it stays behind, and we go back down, promising to come back for it later.
While the muffin is waiting up there by itself, two gigantic hands appear out of nowhere, lift it up to a giant mouth, and eat the top off of it, and then place it back down on the ground. A little while later, some strange people walk up the stairs to the top of the pyramid to ask the muffin what it’s doing up there.
The muffin tries to explain that we were looking for this old thing, and the people are like, “Oh, right, like anyone could find that. No one has ever been able to find it. And what are you doing looking for it in Mexico?”
The muffin says that the three of us had finally made the discovery that the Mayans knew about the thing after all, and the people look at each other skeptically, and the muffin says, “It’s true!” It then goes on to complain that we made it climb up this huge wall, and it’s a muffin, and how is a muffin supposed to climb a wall!?, and the people look at each other skeptically once again, and say, “Why were we able to walk up stairs?”
The muffin explains how the stairs just appeared, and you can tell these people don’t believe it, and they say, “Okay, come on,” and start trying to lift it up. The muffin says, “What are you doing!?” and they say, “You’re obviously insane, so we’re taking you to the mental institution.” The muffin protests, “I’m telling the truth! Just wait, they’re coming back, you’ll see I’m telling the truth!”
They reply, “All we see is a disfigured muffin sitting at the top of an ancient pyramid, telling insane stories.”
The muffin is indignant. “I am not disfigured! I just have a bite out of me! Look, I’ll prove it!” and begins trying to take off its muffin cup thing, and it was really realistic the way the paper peeled off of the muffin, and steam came off it and everything…god, this sounds dirty somehow. The muffin taking off its wrapper? I shudder to think what Freud would say about this one.
The muffin was taken to the mental institution, and we came for it, and I’m not sure what happened at that point. What a confusing night.