In Memoriam

Tonight I was looking up Python stuff online, and I was reading about Graham Chapman’s memorial ceremony after his funeral.  Several of the Pythons had written things about it, and it just got me thinking…that is how I would want my memorial service to be.  I hope, when I die, my friends laugh and make jokes like the Pythons did for Graham.  I’m serious.  I hope they go to the funeral and have a jolly good time remembering stuff we’ve done.  Crying…blah.  Maybe later.  But if they’re gathered there for me, they need to be cheerful about it.  If I were to go to my own funeral in ghost form, I’d want to enjoy it!  I believe Graham would have.  I could just see a translucent form of him sitting there in the group, listening to them tell stories about him, good and bad, but all hilarious, and having a grand old time.  They’d all be drinking, and he’d just be sitting there with his own translucent glass and laughing.  “Oh, yes, I remember that, and what a good time we had, and damn you, John, why’d you have to go and bring that up!?”

So bear that in mind, friends:  If I go first, that’s how I want you to take it.  You bloody well know I’m going to haunt you, so make it enjoyable for all of us, and remember that I’m still there…just…translucent.

In other news, still reading Les Miserables.  I’ve passed the 1,000 page mark now, though!  Which means that I should be finishing it this week, as predicted.  That’s exciting.  It’ll be the longest book I’ve ever read.  That’s an accomplishment.

No quotes tonight, but on page 1012 and for a couple pages after, there is a damned good description of what it’s like to be the person in love with one half of a couple that she is not a part of.

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Just Some Quotes

I have some quotes from Les Mis today.  I’ve gotten much farther recently–a little less than half the book to go.  I’m trying to do 100 pages a day.

p. 693:  “…Were it given to our human eye to see into the consciences of others, we would judge a man much more surely from what he dreams than from what he thinks.

p. 717:  “Fever supports the sick man, and love the lover.”

p. 730:  “What is there that’s cheap now?  Everything’s expensive.  People’s troubles, that’s all that’s cheap.  That’s free, people’s troubles.”

p. 838:  “God makes his will visible to men in events, an obscure text written in a mysterious language.  Men make their translations of it instantly; hasty translations, incorrect, full of mistakes, omissions, and misreadings.  Very few minds understand the divine language.  The wisest and calmest, the most profound, decipher slowly, and, when they arrive with their text, the need has long since gone by; there are already twenty translations in the public square.  From each translation a party is born, and from each misreading a faction; and each party believes it has the only true text, and each faction believes it possesses the light.  …Often the government itself is a faction.”

An excellent view on religion, I thought.

This is probably the last perfume update for a while since I’m out of samples:

  • Versace Bright Crystal
  • Calvin Klein Euphoria
  • Lancome La Vie Est Belle
  • Jo Malone London Mimosa & Cardamom
  • Michael Kors Sexy Amber
  • Michael Kors 24K Brilliant Gold
  • Michael Kors Glam Jasmine
  • Marc Jacobs Decadence
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Eau So Fresh
  • Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet – When I closed my eyes and smelled this one for the first time, I had instant mental images of white tablecloths, crystal chandeliers, a tuxedoed live band, and the word “elegant”.  Unfortunately, this scent does not appear to be available in an EDP and did not last very long.  It lasted longer than either of the Ralph Lauren scents, however.
  • Miss Dior Eau de Toilette
  • Miss Dior Eau de Parfum
  • Chanel Chance
  • Chanel Coco Mademoiselle
  • My Burberry
  • Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold Absolu
  • Modern Muse Le Rouge
  • Vince Camuto Capri – I really liked this one.  It was calming and lasted most of the day.  It described itself as a “cool breeze off the Mediterranean Sea”, and I felt like I could visualize that when I smelled it.
  • Thierry Mugler Alien – I thought I would like this one seeing as it was made up of pretty much all things I enjoy, but maybe I just didn’t like the way they went together?  Something about it was too strong and off-putting, and the thought that crossed my mind was that it was just too “adult” for me somehow.  Long-lasting, though.  I won’t be trying it again, for sure.
  • Ralph Lauren Romance – I actually really liked the scent, but it only lasted for about an hour.  Maybe the concentration was just too low?  But whatever the problem was, I can’t choose as a signature scent something that I’m going to have to reapply several times throughout the day.  That’s not simple enough for me.
  • Ralph Lauren Midnight Romance – Not a fan.  It was too sickeningly sweet and also only lasted around an hour (thank goodness).
  • Jimmy Choo Illicit – Another one I liked but that didn’t last long enough for me to give it another shot.

Heroine Addict

Maybe I should try and get these thoughts out for my own benefit, because everyone misunderstands me and is really obnoxious about it when I try to bring these things up.

I’ve come to a few realizations/decisions.

I want to be my own heroine.  I want to be respected and admired, whether I get the faerie tale ending…or not.  I want to be deserving of the faerie tale ending, also whether or not it comes to me.  So I will strive to be the novel heroine…the one who is good and upright and noble and strong, no matter what might happen to her.  I will be worthy of respect and admiration!  How could it hurt to become someone like that?

I have also finally decided to stop taking other people’s advice about my own love life and not attempt to play on jealousy any longer.  I love Milo, and I want it to be a real, pure love, and I want him to come to me on his own, not because of a wicked emotion like jealousy.  There are other ways to be desirable to someone without having to resort to jealousy.

So I asked myself what these other ways might be.  And I came up with the answer that I described in the above paragraphs.  If I become the person who is worthy of respect, who is mature, (as I promised him months ago I was, and would prove to him), then he is far more likely to eventually love me as I am.  I wrote an entry in here once (I think it was in here) about how I wanted to become the sort of person that he would be able to love.  I knew that I needed to mature a great deal.  In trying to prove to myself and to him that I am that person, I will simultaneously grow more into that person.  If I show him that I can handle his having a relationship with somebody else, without crying all the time, without acting like a baby because he does have somebody else, it just makes me look that much better.  He wouldn’t grow interested in me if I’m moping around all the time, or if I outwardly just show hatred toward his girlfriend.  No.  That won’t work.  I need to be strong and proud and just be myself, with or without a man by my side.

I also realized, based on a number of things, that he is not ready to be with me right now.  You know how I keep saying that I don’t think he knows what love is yet?  And what Gary told me the other day, about the sort of advice Milo gave to him, and just so many things combining to show he’s just not at the level that I am yet.  Which is normal—guys aren’t supposed to mature as quickly as girls.  I want to give him time.  I want him to grow into the sort of person he is going to be…the one who will love entirely and who will share my understanding of what love is.  Until then, I can wait.

To make everybody else who isn’t me happy, though, I can date on the side while I wait.  I refuse to have a relationship, because I don’t want one, but I can do that much.  Not to make him jealous, just to show everyone that I’m not just sitting there and moping around.

There’s also the fact that Cort told me to stop thinking about it.  Obviously, I can’t do that, but I can stop talking about it—to almost everyone.  I can shut out almost everyone, though I’ll have to have an outlet. That’ll be Katie and Tinny, as I have already asked their permission.  They will still hear everything, bad and good—but only the good will go in the journal from now on.  That way, I won’t look back on it later and find all this terrible stuff that I don’t really want to remember—I’ll seem like a happy sort of person, which is as it should be.  I will be outwardly happy, as I will be mostly shielding the bad stuff from everyone but the two of them.

Update to the perfume list:

  • Versace Bright Crystal
  • Calvin Klein Euphoria
  • Lancome La Vie Est Belle
  • Jo Malone London Mimosa & Cardamom
  • Michael Kors Sexy Amber
  • Michael Kors 24K Brilliant Gold
  • Michael Kors Glam Jasmine
  • Marc Jacobs Decadence
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Eau So Fresh
  • Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet – When I closed my eyes and smelled this one for the first time, I had instant mental images of white tablecloths, crystal chandeliers, a tuxedoed live band, and the word “elegant”.  Unfortunately, this scent does not appear to be available in an EDP and did not last very long.  It lasted longer than either of the Ralph Lauren scents, however.
  • Miss Dior Eau de Toilette
  • Miss Dior Eau de Parfum
  • Chanel Chance
  • Chanel Coco Mademoiselle
  • My Burberry
  • Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold Absolu
  • Modern Muse Le Rouge
  • Vince Camuto Capri – I really liked this one.  It was calming and lasted most of the day.  It described itself as a “cool breeze off the Mediterranean Sea”, and I felt like I could visualize that when I smelled it.
  • Dior J’Adore – This lasted all day, first of all.  When I closed my eyes I pictured hay fields, for some reason, and then just couldn’t stop picturing them.  I would say I definitely liked it, though at times it almost seemed too adult.  Almost.  Though maybe that would be okay if I was wanting to feel grown-up for an event or something.
  • Thierry Mugler Alien – I thought I would like this one seeing as it was made up of pretty much all things I enjoy, but maybe I just didn’t like the way they went together?  Something about it was too strong and off-putting, and the thought that crossed my mind was that it was just too “adult” for me somehow.  Long-lasting, though.  I won’t be trying it again, for sure.
  • Ralph Lauren Romance – I actually really liked the scent, but it only lasted for about an hour.  Maybe the concentration was just too low?  But whatever the problem was, I can’t choose as a signature scent something that I’m going to have to reapply several times throughout the day.  That’s not simple enough for me.
  • Ralph Lauren Midnight Romance – Not a fan.  It was too sickeningly sweet and also only lasted around an hour (thank goodness).
  • Miu-Miu – Initially I liked it.  There’s this cool pepper note that I haven’t found in a lot of other scents.  But as the day went on, that pepper grew to be almost overbearing and was just too strong for me.  The lasting power was so-so–not the best, but not the worst, either.

Stress Awareness Day

I think I updated yesterday (and maybe even the day before that, too) but I feel like I haven’t updated in forever.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I feel really super-stressed about school right now.  Well, not only stressed, but also not driven at all.  I feel like I have enough drive to get myself to classes, but that’s it.  I don’t want to pay attention when I get in there, I don’t want to study, I don’t want to do any homework at all…I don’t know what’s wrong.

I’ve been giving it some thought, and I think part of the problem might be that I’m taking journalism right now, which is going to be my major, and I’m just so petrified that I won’t like it.  Because if I don’t like it, what then?  What the hell will I do for a major?

And how will I really know if I don’t like it by just the end of this one semester?  What if I do okay in here, but that’s because it’s just a college class, and I really can’t cut it in the real world?

Or what if I just…suck…before I even get out of this class?  I don’t know what I would do.  I know I’m not a fabulous writer, that I don’t compare to plenty of other people….  I’m not creative; all my creativity comes from my bloody dreams, so it’s like I’m not making anything up on my own, but I’m stealing everything from my subconscious!  Not that that’s what journalism is really about, but still, how would I ever come up with inspiration for something to write every single day, when I can’t even find one idea for a story to do at FSCJ?

So I feel like I’m going to be forcing myself to like this class so that I won’t be too afraid to continue on this path.  I think, so far, I actually do like it, but that I’ll never know for sure because I won’t allow myself to believe that I don’t.  So even if this path is not right for me, I won’t even know it.

And I get stressed about everything, so an influx of stress wouldn’t catch my attention; it wouldn’t send the necessary warning signals—“HEY!  You shouldn’t be here!  Take something else!”

Then there are those two huge projects I have to do for American History and Women’s Studies.

And there’s the fact that all of my grades from my Earth Science class come from the tests, and I know I’m not a good test-taker, and this teacher doesn’t even give reviews.

So each class is giving me stress.  I think I just…don’t feel like trying because I feel I am destined to fail.

This sucks.

And I was sick all weekend, so I didn’t take care of that stressor list I was going to make.  I didn’t accomplish anything that was on it.

Let’s see….  I have to pay the two bloody parking tickets…finish applying to UCF (and UNF, just in case, which means I’ll need SAT scores and high school transcripts for both schools)…get those interviews out of the way (how the hell will I know when I’ve got nine pages on tape!?)…oh…what else?…I don’t even remember what all the other stuff is offhand, but that can’t be everything!

Oh, whatever.  I just feel more stressed now, now that I know what’s bothering me.

Subconscious States of Mind

So I’ve been sick—think I’m better now, though.  I have no idea what I had.  I never actually got sick, but I kept feeling nauseous and stomach-achy.

I was lying on the couch last night, watching TV because I wasn’t tired, but reading made me feel sick, and it was the only thing I could think to do.  Closing my eyes made me feel dizzier.  (I have no idea how I managed to fall asleep the night before.)

Everyone else was in bed, and there was a light on by the TV, and Milo was over here at the computer…and I was just lying there on the couch, when suddenly I started to feel really hot.  I kept moving around, trying to get air, and then I put my hands on my stomach to cool myself off.  My hands are always ice-cold; I’ve got to be really super hot for my hands to be warm.

So I put my hands on my stomach, and they were warmer than my stomach.  That’s when I went into the bathroom to get a cold wash cloth.  Man, I was out of it after a while there…I remember my mom bringing me a magazine where she’d found a picture of Harrison Ford, kissing my forehead and going to bed, and it was just dark still except for the TV, the computer, and the lights by both….

And then, I remember darkness.  I suppose I’d fallen asleep.  But then the darkness…got darker.  It was just so strange!  What must have happened was that Milo had decided to go to bed, so he’d turned off the computer, the TV, and the lights.  All I know is I was suddenly aware of super-extreme-dark-and-quiet.  And the hotness was gone.  So, only being partially aware of it, I took the cool (it was no longer all that cold) wash cloth and just set it on the table next to me….  And somewhere around in there (it may have been at that same time, or a long time after, I have no idea) somebody placed a blanket over me….

I can remember the blanket, but I don’t think it woke me up, and I don’t think the light being turned out woke me up, either, because when I did wake up (about 12:30) it was all dark and quiet, and no one was around.  It’s just so strange that I can sort of remember things happening, but sort of not at the same time, and just how I was so completely unaware of time at all.  I don’t know.  Weird feelings.  Sleep and dreaming is so cool.

So I was still sick today, but I think I’m better now.  Reading isn’t bothering me anymore; I’ve just been resting most of the day.  Mm…Milo went in to get his shower, and whatever that stuff is that he sprays on himself…wow, it smells good!  Every time he comes out of the shower, the whole house starts to smell good—I love it.  I just close my eyes and drink it in and…yummy.

Speaking of scents, here’s my updated list:

  • Versace Bright Crystal
  • Calvin Klein Euphoria
  • Lancome La Vie Est Belle
  • Jo Malone London Mimosa & Cardamom
  • Michael Kors Sexy Amber
  • Michael Kors 24K Brilliant Gold
  • Michael Kors Glam Jasmine
  • Marc Jacobs Decadence
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Eau So Fresh
  • Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet – When I closed my eyes and smelled this one for the first time, I had instant mental images of white tablecloths, crystal chandeliers, a tuxedoed live band, and the word “elegant”.  Unfortunately, this scent does not appear to be available in an EDP and did not last very long.  It lasted longer than either of the Ralph Lauren scents, however.
  • Miss Dior Eau de Toilette
  • Miss Dior Eau de Parfum
  • Chanel Chance
  • Chanel Coco Mademoiselle
  • My Burberry
  • Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold Absolu
  • Modern Muse Le Rouge
  • Vince Camuto Capri – I really liked this one.  It was calming and lasted most of the day.  It described itself as a “cool breeze off the Mediterranean Sea”, and I felt like I could visualize that when I smelled it.
  • Thierry Mugler Alien – I thought I would like this one seeing as it was made up of pretty much all things I enjoy, but maybe I just didn’t like the way they went together?  Something about it was too strong and off-putting, and the thought that crossed my mind was that it was just too “adult” for me somehow.  Long-lasting, though.  I won’t be trying it again, for sure.
  • Ralph Lauren Romance – I actually really liked the scent, but it only lasted for about an hour.  Maybe the concentration was just too low?  But whatever the problem was, I can’t choose as a signature scent something that I’m going to have to reapply several times throughout the day.  That’s not simple enough for me.
  • Ralph Lauren Midnight Romance – Not a fan.  It was too sickeningly sweet and also only lasted around an hour (thank goodness).

I found one called Carolina by Olympic Orchids that has notes of honeysuckle, magnolia, and even kudzu in it!  No mulberry, unfortunately, but the other three things will bring me right back to childhood, so I’ll have to try that for sure!

Return of the Psychobrat

Sister returned home yesterday from her class excursion to the Capital.  The very first thing out of her mouth as she opened the door was a heavy, exasperated sigh; I knew that life would immediately go back to normal (joy).  Apparently, she was (as predicted) pissed that the futon had been moved out of her room (we put it in the garage so that Brother would at last have a bed and get to it at a decent hour—Milo’s going to force him, haha).

Every story she has told so far has in some way involved “d— black people”.  One of the first words I heard out of her mouth was the ‘N’ word.  And then she said, “But these other two black girls who were whitewash were pretty cool.”  And ohh, that pissed me off.  I think that term probably pisses me off more than does the ‘N’ word.  I really wanted to say to her, “Look, dumbass, I’m so sorry your side lost the Civil War, but quit griping about it already!”  I think next time I shall.

Naturally, she was going on and on about it all night; Milo and I exchanged glances, half amused and half disgusted by her utter stupidity and annoying-ness, and said nothing.

And then this morning, I was in my room and heard her bitching about something, but couldn’t quite make out what it was because it was in this low-pitched, whiny voice, instead of a high one.  And then I heard my mom say, “That is not true; Milo does plenty to help out around the house!  A lot more than you do!”  And she went on to list things, which sort of silenced Psychobrat, which is good, because I would have immediately sprung out of my room to come to his defense.

My dad backs her up on this issue, too.  Simply because whenever there are loads of crap all over the house, and Milo is the one to move them out of the way, my dad complains that he doesn’t know where any of his stuff is anymore, that somebody who isn’t even a part of this family keeps moving it—so stop leaving it in the way!  Milo doesn’t want a filthy house anymore than any of the rest of us, and I would think that certain people could appreciate some of what he does around here like the rest of us, instead of just bitching all the time.

So then she started in on me, and how she does more around the house than I do, or Brother, for that matter, and all this other crap that I couldn’t really make out, but I know I distinctly heard, “I do more than either one of them!”

Ironically enough, just a few minutes before, I had been sitting in the kitchen, when my mom asked me to unload the dishwasher.  I said okay, and then she said loudly, “Sister…do you want to unload the dishwasher?”

Sister screeched back, “NO!  Why should I have to do it!?  I haven’t been home for a week!”

I smiled pleasantly and said, “Don’t worry; I can do it.”  My mom smiled back.

So, while the whole bitch-fest was going on, my mom informed her that I was the one who had unloaded (and re-loaded) the dishwasher that morning, to which Psychobrat responded, “Well, she should have to do it!  She’s been home all week!!”

My mom informed her that I don’t even eat off of the dishes, seeing as how I don’t eat any breakfast, I have a sandwich each day for lunch (on a paper plate), and I eat dinner at work.

Psychobrat said, “Well, good for her!  She’s part of this family, too!”

My mom said, “Yes, and as a part of this family, she helps keep this house clean!”

Psychobrat again said, “I do more than she does!”

There were some things said in undertone, and then Psychobrat started bitching that I have not yet moved out of the house.  My mom said, “She is at home working and going to college!  It’s not like she’s a bum!”

Psychobrat said, “I’m going to move out as soon as I’m old enough!”

My mom said, “It may not be as easy as you think.”

I thought about going out and making a sarcastic remark about how easy it would be for me to move out today, with the pittance I get each month after my car payment, but I didn’t care enough.  What is the point of wasting my breath on her?

Then my cell phone rang, so I was finally able to tune everything out.

Welcome home, Psychobrat.

Adventures At Fort Caroline

I had overall a pretty sweet day today.

Tinny and I arrived at the U-Store place at 9:00 to supervise the movers handling Budget’s stuff.  (Only had to pass the place twice before we made it into the parking lot!)

While we were there, I spotted Budget’s senior yearbook sitting on one of the boxes, so I picked it up to give us something to occupy us while waiting.  I went searching for my message (because I remembered I’d written about a page) just to see what I’d said.  I was reading it out loud, getting a kick out of it, when, about halfway through the page, I was suddenly struck by how straight my writing was across the page.  Like I’d been writing on lined paper or something.  This is unusual for me; I have pretty neat writing, but not when there are no lines.  So I commented on this to Tinny.

And then I read the very next line—“I just noticed how straight my writing looks across the page…that’s amazing!”

How freaky is that?  I noticed the same thing at the same time as I did two years before when I was first writing it.

So then Tinny and I came back to my house, chilled a bit, and headed off to the Ribaut/Ribault (it’s spelled both ways) monument, so she could see what it was.  The weather was so lovely today…not too cold, not too hot…just right.

Then we went to the fort.  Fort Caroline.  We had the most amazingly fun time.  We were basically acting out every character in history that we could imagine being at that fort.  Sentinels, Commanders, enemies, tourists…you name it.  Man…I will never forget today.

And then we came back, picked up Milo, and went to lunch at our British place.  After that, we did some random driving around in places that I’ve never driven and that Tinny did not even know existed.  Then I dropped Tinny off, and we discussed how much we had bonded and grown as friends over the past 14 hours.  We had a good time today.