Dreams Deferred

My normal method for dealing with fear is to just not allow it any airtime in my mind; when something is necessary but frightens me, I forge onward until it is too late and the thing is already upon me such that I can’t escape.

Yesterday I allowed myself a moment of real fear.  For months I have had the ideas of thousands rushing through my head.  I feel as though I have envisaged several crystal-clear possible futures, decades farther than I have ever been able to see.  I have stubbornly fought for the best possible outcome, which until now had never been within reach and, once abandoned, will likely not come within reach again in my lifetime.

What happens to a dream deferred?  I sat down yesterday and I wept over the ultimatum to live or to be free.  I have chosen to do what is easy instead of what is right.  I do this for myself, not for you.  Not for any of you.  I wanted to be a leader and instead I am just another sheep.  I fancied myself a revolutionary, but it turns out I am nothing more than a coward who, when the time comes, will choose to save my own sorry ass rather than the world.  I am betraying you all, as well as every fictional character I have looked up to and drawn inspiration from—Dumbledore, Harry, the Doctor, Eponine, Enjolras, Marius, etc.  And most importantly, I am betraying myself.

I turn my fight now to the preservation of the status quo, of servitude, of the illusion of freedom.  I will join the herd in fearfully electing an oligarchy in exchange for protection.

Clinton-Kaine 2016.


Author: GinnyJones

I was born on 3/5/97 in this horrible small town in southern Virginia. Now I live in Jacksonville, Florida and I am here to tell you about my life--my friends, my family, love, school, work, extra-curriculars--minus specifics, of course. What I Do: I'm in school full-time getting my AA. I used to work part-time as the secretary for a small property management business; now I work in a university cafeteria, which is a major improvement! It's harder work, but the people make up for it. Things I Like: Harrison Ford, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Emmy Rossum, Shameless (US), Being Human (UK & US), The Walking Dead, Once Upon A Time, Superman, comic conventions, cosplay...I could go on. But I won't. Cast of Characters: - Mom and Dad: my parents - Sister/Psychobrat: my younger sister - Brother: my even younger brother - Cortney and Nicole: my best friends - Milo: the guy I love - Tinny: my work friend - Kristen: friend from school - Katie: friend from school - Jenna and Kara: sister friends - The Ex: Milo's evil ex

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