I went bike riding with Milo today. I didn’t think I would make it two laps around the park, but I did. I walked in and just collapsed on the couch, like all sweaty and too exhausted to move. Then I got a shower and ate and felt all better. I really ought to get workouts like that more often. I know it’s good for me, and it felt good even though it hurt at the same time.
I dreamed about Milo’s ex last night.
It started out, I was walking down some street in a big city…shopping. And well, my favorite animal has always been kangaroos, and since it’s really hard to find them anywhere, whenever I did, I’d get all excited and have to buy whatever it was. I’ve got like 30 stuffed kangaroos. And I always wanted a real kangaroo as a pet, and Mom told me I could have one “when pigs fly”. So yesterday, Milo said at complete random, “I want a wallaby” and I just looked at him like and said, “Me too!” I guess that’s why I dreamed about shopping and finding stuffed kangaroos last night. Anyway, that was a little off the subject….
I was with one or two other people–not sure now who they were–and buying stuffed kangaroos, and I saw this girl staring at me from like, outside a store window (not The Ex)…. She looked like a freaking zombie; it was so creepy. She’s just standing there, completely still, and staring at me. So I do a double-take, and she’s gone. I go into another store, find another kangaroo, and once again, I notice zombie-girl staring at me through the window, and she disappears again. I’m really freaked out by now, but I don’t tell the people I’m with, because I figure they’ll think I’m losing it.
We go out of the store, and from behind me I hear, “Where are you going now?” in this freaky voice, and I turn around, and it’s her. And the person/people(?) I’m with can see her too, and they look at me like, “You know this freak?” and I look at them like, “I don’t know who she is” and kind of just laugh like it’s some sort of joke (but really it’s nervous because by now I’m convinced she’s a freaking ghost and I have no idea what’s going on).
This next bit’s a bit muddled. I can’t remember exactly what happened, except that somehow we realized she was a ghost, and we were all extremely creeped out for a moment, until we realized she was just stalking me because she was lonely. So we let her kind of tag along. But then we were going to go home, and kind of like, when you’re hanging out with someone just to be polite, but you don’t really want them around, you keep trying to lose them, right? We told her we were going home, and she’s like, “Great! Which way?” and we were just like, “Uhh….” And finally we just flat-out told her, “Sorry, we’ll meet you again tomorrow” and she stared at us and said, “Okay. Fine,” and we could tell she was pissed, and then she disappeared. I guess we didn’t consider the fact that she could follow us and just be invisible.
So then it’s kind of muddled again. I’m not really sure what happened, except it was a different day and I was on a picnic out in some woods somewhere with a bunch of students…about half high-schoolers, and half college, and I didn’t know any of them. And like, there were rumors about spirits in the woods, and we all had to take the utmost care in not pissing them off, because they could become violent and scary. If we didn’t upset them, they’d leave us alone.
Well, I was going out there every day…I’m still not really sure what we thought we were doing…but eventually I noticed that a couple of them looked vaguely familiar, and finally I realized they were The Ex’s friends…and then one day, I saw her. She looks at me, and looks like she’s going to say something, and I look away like, ‘I don’t know you’.
One day we were out at a bunch of picnic tables in the woods, and there was this lake, and a couple people were jumping in the lake to go swimming, and The Ex and I ended up at picnic tables like across from each other, and I still thought she looked like she was going to talk to me, so I kept ignoring her….
And then the alert went up.
I’m not sure what the alert was…but it meant the spirits were angry. Suddenly, there were all these huge cats–tigers, leopards, all different breeds and colors, but they were all huge and dangerous sorts of cats, and they came running for us. The Ex yelled out, “Ginny, there’s a lion behind you!” So I turn around, and there’s this huge cat–I can still feel the size of it, freaky–right behind me, growling at me, and it’s big and yellow, but I yell back, not taking my eyes off of it, “It’s not a lion; where’s its mane!?” and this high school guy nearby says, “It’s a female lion!”
There was this big pure white tiger really close, and just all these cats, and we all went running for the edge of the woods, which was the safety spot. I don’t know how we made it there alive…something about teamwork. So we’re all standing there, side by side, and The Ex has somehow ended up right next to me, so I suddenly think, ‘I don’t know why I don’t like her anyway…what did she ever do to me or Milo that would make me dislike her so much?’ so I look at her and say, “Ya know something…you’re really not so bad,” and she goes, “Thanks,” and smiles….
And as soon as she says thanks, I remember that she is the one who cheated on Milo and told him to kill himself. Somehow in that moment I’d made myself believe she was someone else–but I couldn’t suddenly take it back and say, “Wait a second, I just remembered I hate you”, so I just turned around and started acting like she wasn’t there again. And that’s about where I woke up–I think the conflicting emotions, combined with my not being able to take my foot out of my mouth, irritated me so much it brought me back to consciousness.
Oh…no, before that, we had just found out that the reason all the spirits were all pissed off at us was because I had “insulted” the ghost girl. And so everyone kind of turned on me and I think they wanted to send me out into the woods with one other person, and The Ex being the only one I knew, I naturally thought of her, but that was where I thought, ‘Do I think I can stand her enough to take her out there and bargain with the spirits!?’ I really don’t know what they expected me to say to the spirits, anyway.
The cats were still there, but they couldn’t cross this line that we were on the other side of. I don’t know why we were going to bother going back in the woods at all. I woke up before I went back in, though.
Oh–the dream I had the night before last was even more disturbing. In that one, I was a ghost girl. It started out with this guy I’ve known since I was 2 asking me to marry him. I told him no. I was like, “Dude, I haven’t seen much of you at all in 5 years, and just…no. I’m sorry.” So he kept trying to seduce me, and I just kept flat-out refusing. But eventually like his whole family (family members I don’t think I’ve ever even met before, if they in fact exist) kept trying to talk me into it. And they got the priest from our church involved, because they were convinced I’d say yes and that he would marry us. And the priest even talked to me and said, “I really think you should go for it”, but I just said no.
So then I end up at the high school. It’s nighttime, Ms. Martin’s doing a play, I figure, I may as well go and see it. I see her backstage and she looks completely laidback, smoking a cigarette, and her boyfriend is there. I asked her what play she was doing, and she said, (*drag*) “Guys and Dolls” (*drag*), and I was like, “…Ms. Martin, you did that one like, 4 years ago….” and she said, (*drag*) “Yeah….(*drag*)…I just don’t really care anymore, ya know? To hell with it all”. Um, (*drag*). She went on (just consider the drags as being ever-present, to save myself the necessity of repeating them) to say that there was no one left in drama anyway, it was all going to hell anyway, and besides, she still had all the set pieces (which she really doesn’t, but that doesn’t matter anyway).
So I go out to watch the play, and it’s got 2 cast members, and they’re both from the Alhambra. That’s it. There is no set…they had costumes, but no set, and the play was not Guys and Dolls, even though there was a big sign hanging in front of the closed curtain that said so. So I walked out. It was dark outside, and I was going to my car, and for some reason I had to walk through a dark alleyway, and I heard footsteps behind me, and I started to turn around, and then I blacked out. I guess it was like I stopped dreaming for a while, but I came back from the blackout and actually had some idea of what had happened during it. My funeral, where all my friends and family were standing there weeping, and then the Virginia guy and his family, who were not at the funeral, discussing who he was going to find now. Watching them (which I never actually did, it all happened during the blackout) I discovered that his great-aunt had died, and was going to pass on the family fortune to him, but he had to find a wife first, and he only had a certain time limit to do it. So he had thought of me, and his family was convinced I would say yes, but since I didn’t, they decided to kill me (dream logic). And they were talking about finding the priest and killing him too.
So then I end up at the Nicole’s house, and I’m sitting in their upstairs family room, and Nicole and Cortney walk in, like all sad-like because they were upset about me. I’m sitting in one of the chairs (now I’m ghost-girl Ginny) and just waiting for them, and I knew that I was a ghost…so I didn’t know if they could see me or not, but since I spend so much time there nowadays, it just seemed like the perfect place to go…and I didn’t know why I was still on Earth, but there you have it.
They walk in and both stop and stare at me. And Cortney kind of whispers, “Gin?” and I said, “You can see me!?” and they both just nodded, and I said, “You can hear me!?” and they said, “Yeah….” So I told them, very solemnly, that I wasn’t real, not to freak out or anything, I was just a ghost, and I was still there for some reason, just…dead. After a few moments’ dumbfounded silence, they both ran over and tried to hug me, but like, they couldn’t touch me because they’d get like a shock if they did.
I said, a little sadly, “It’s okay. I’m not a part of the world of the living. There are plenty of things I can’t do.” We decided to start scrapbooking (I think they were trying to make me feel better, as well as trying to do something relatively normal because–well, this was just getting really weird). And later, Nicole’s parents come home from somewhere, and you can tell they’re kind of treading on eggshells, because they figure the girls are really upset still (it’s been like a week since the funeral, I think) and they call up the stairs, “Are you girls all right?” and they called back, rather excitedly, “Yes!” and then we all three go downstairs, where I expect Nicole’s parents were very confused by their eagerness…and I was behind them, and they said, “We have a surprise!” all excitedly, and I step out.
Nicole’s mom shrieks and kind of steps back, and they’re like, “It’s okay…she’s a ghost, but isn’t it cool? She can still hang out with us!”
I grin at Nicole’s parents like this is a good thing, and they give us the smiles which I know by now mean they’re trying to make us think something is okay, but they’re having serious doubts about it. I don’t know if Nicole or Cort noticed, but I was thinking, “Why are they looking like that? Don’t they think this is a good thing? Don’t they want me to be here?”
We go back upstairs, and we’re scrapbooking, and then Cortney goes home after a while, and then it’s another day (I don’t really know what happened to the night or where I went, if I was still there, if it was even possible for me to leave the house.) But then Cort comes back again, and Nicole is already there, and we decide to watch some movie upstairs. Partway through whatever it was, Nicole’s mom calls up the stairs, “Girls? Can you come down here for a sec? We want to talk”, so we stop the movie and go downstairs and sit around the table and on the stairs.
Nicole’s mom is doing most of the talking, like usual, and she says, “Now, girls…I know you’re enjoying hanging out and having fun like you used to…”, and Cort and Nicole smiled and nodded, and I did too, but thinking, ‘Here it comes…whatever it is.’ She said, “…And Ginny, don’t get me wrong, we are very happy to see you….” By now I know Cort and Nicole have realized something is wrong.
Nicole’s dad said, “But the fact is, Ginny is dead. She’s not really here. Or she is here, but she shouldn’t be.”
I looked down, like I should be expected to feel guilty about this. Like it’s my fault. But I was really feeling bad, because I didn’t want to be dead, I wanted to be there with Cort and Nicole, enjoying life (to the extent possible) like they were! And I was, and here they were trying to make me feel bad about it, and I didn’t understand why!
Nicole’s mom said, “The point is, when someone is gone, they’re gone, and Ginny is only here in a form of the Ginny she used to be.”
I said, “No! I’m here!! I’m here!!! I’m still me, I just…give off electricity…and I can’t eat anymore…but I’m still me!!!” And Nicole’s parents got that smile on their faces again, and I got the butterflies in my stomach again, and Cort and Nicole laughed, but not for long, because I think they were feeling similarly to how I was. And Nicole’s dad said, “I’m sorry, Ginny, but you’re going to have to go”, and I said, “Go? Go where!? I don’t even know if I can go!”
Cort and Nicole were starting to argue now too, and they were saying, “Why does she have to go? As long as she’s here, we may as well enjoy it!” and Nicole’s mom was saying, “But she’s not here, not really….”
Then Nicole’s dad said, “Follow me,” and we all went up these stairs that had suddenly appeared on the other side of the kitchen–well, they’d been there, we just hadn’t noticed them until then–and they were just straight up and there was a door at the end, and there were lights coming from under the door like a television was on, and they opened the door and said, “Ginny, you’re going to have to stay here…alone”, and I said, “But I don’t want to stay up here alone”, and they said, “We’re sorry”, and Nicole and Cort looked absolutely shocked that this was taking place, but they didn’t do anything, and I went through the door, and it ended up in like this attic, and there were like 5 more stairs on that side of the door, and there was the attic. But the walls, floors, and ceiling weren’t like normal ones–they were all movie screens depicting the worst moments of my life, something different on every screen, and they didn’t stop playing. And there was noise from all of them, and I could make out what was going on if I concentrated on them. It was all in black and white, like old movies, and I wasn’t actually seeing myself, but looking at one screen was kind of like looking at the scene from my point of view…like, I was the camera. I don’t remember what any of them were. But then after a while, Nicole and Cort came up, and they said, “We didn’t want you to have to stay here alone for too long,” and I said, “Thanks,” and they’d brought cards and we were going to play, but it was hard to do anything in there because I couldn’t concentrate…but then I realized the walls and ceiling and floor looked just like ordinary to them, and they thought I was kind of losing it because I was seeing and hearing all these things that they weren’t. They didn’t stay very long after that.
And they came back again, and stayed for an even shorter time, and I thought, “They’re forgetting me. That’s what’s going on. They’re forgetting me, and when I’m completely forgotten, I will stop existing. That’s why I’m up here. So I’ll really be dead, I won’t be on Earth anymore….” And I didn’t want them to forget me, because I wanted to go on enjoying life with Cortney and Nicole like normal…but it was losing its appeal, because it wasn’t like normal. And as they were leaving this second time, I said, “I CAN TURN BACK TIME!!!!” really desperately, and I don’t know how I could, but however I did it worked just like the Time-Turner in Harry Potter, where you could go back like an hour at a time, or however many hours, but exactly on the hour. (I didn’t realize that bit until after I woke up, though.) And I said, “I can turn back time, so you can have as much time as you want up here without your parents knowing!!” and they said, “Oh, that’s good,” but they didn’t look like they really felt it. And I thought, “That’s it…they want to forget me now, and when they do, that’s when I really will die.” I guess subconsciously I was thinking, it’s like what they say, as long as someone is still in your heart and mind, they’re never really dead….
That’s pretty much it, I think that’s where I woke up. Sometimes (like now)I kind of feel that after-effect from a dream, like when you watch a scary movie and you’re always looking over your shoulder…. More from the woods one than that one; that one just messed with my head a lot. I just see that girl staring at me and it freaks me out.