Speaking English

I thought I would have to talk my speech teacher into my doing Quidditch as my topic…but she thought it was an excellent idea!  Plus, the first speech is only 5-7 minutes, not 10 as I had thought.  Even better.  I don’t know about that class yet…I think it’s the easiest one I have, but I have to stop answering questions!  Every once in a while I’ll be in one class (usually English) that is really easy to me and doesn’t seem so to anyone else, and I’ll keep answering questions out loud…but I’ll usually refrain from answering too many, so as not to look like a know-it-all.  Today, however, I was answering questions right and left, while my inner monologue kept saying, ‘What the hell are you doing!?  Everyone’s going to hate you!  Chill out!  I’m not a know-it-all.  No.  I refuse to be put into a category like that.  I just can’t bear to sit there in awkward silence, knowing the answer, while the teacher is waiting to hear it from someone, and no one else is speaking up….

I don’t understand those people who think that their lives are boring and nothing has ever happened to them.  I still stand by what I’ve always said–you could make a movie out of anyone’s life.  Each one is different–how can any particular one be boring?  And sometimes they’ll even tell you really fascinating stories about themselves, usually as some sort of classroom assignment, and still they will say, “But my life is so boring….”  I have no friends like that.  It’s an immediate turn-off to people, isn’t it?

What else was I going to say?  I had a number of things I wanted to rant about before I signed on, but now I can’t remember what any of them were.

Ah, well.


Ghost Girls

I went bike riding with Milo today.  I didn’t think I would make it two laps around the park, but I did.  I walked in and just collapsed on the couch, like all sweaty and too exhausted to move.  Then I got a shower and ate and felt all better.  I really ought to get workouts like that more often.  I know it’s good for me, and it felt good even though it hurt at the same time.

I dreamed about Milo’s ex last night.

It started out, I was walking down some street in a big city…shopping.  And well, my favorite animal has always been kangaroos, and since it’s really hard to find them anywhere, whenever I did, I’d get all excited and have to buy whatever it was.  I’ve got like 30 stuffed kangaroos.  And I always wanted a real kangaroo as a pet, and Mom told me I could have one “when pigs fly”.  So yesterday, Milo said at complete random, “I want a wallaby” and I just looked at him like and said, “Me too!”  I guess that’s why I dreamed about shopping and finding stuffed kangaroos last night.  Anyway, that was a little off the subject….

I was with one or two other people–not sure now who they were–and buying stuffed kangaroos, and I saw this girl staring at me from like, outside a store window (not The Ex)….  She looked like a freaking zombie; it was so creepy.  She’s just standing there, completely still, and staring at me.  So I do a double-take, and she’s gone.  I go into another store, find another kangaroo, and once again, I notice zombie-girl staring at me through the window, and she disappears again.  I’m really freaked out by now, but I don’t tell the people I’m with, because I figure they’ll think I’m losing it.

We go out of the store, and from behind me I hear, “Where are you going now?” in this freaky voice, and I turn around, and it’s her.  And the person/people(?) I’m with can see her too, and they look at me like, “You know this freak?” and I look at them like, “I don’t know who she is” and kind of just laugh like it’s some sort of joke (but really it’s nervous because by now I’m convinced she’s a freaking ghost and I have no idea what’s going on).
This next bit’s a bit muddled.  I can’t remember exactly what happened, except that somehow we realized she was a ghost, and we were all extremely creeped out for a moment, until we realized she was just stalking me because she was lonely.  So we let her kind of tag along.  But then we were going to go home, and kind of like, when you’re hanging out with someone just to be polite, but you don’t really want them around, you keep trying to lose them, right?  We told her we were going home, and she’s like, “Great! Which way?” and we were just like, “Uhh….”  And finally we just flat-out told her, “Sorry, we’ll meet you again tomorrow” and she stared at us and said, “Okay.  Fine,” and we could tell she was pissed, and then she disappeared.  I guess we didn’t consider the fact that she could follow us and just be invisible.

So then it’s kind of muddled again.  I’m not really sure what happened, except it was a different day and I was on a picnic out in some woods somewhere with a bunch of students…about half high-schoolers, and half college, and I didn’t know any of them.  And like, there were rumors about spirits in the woods, and we all had to take the utmost care in not pissing them off, because they could become violent and scary.  If we didn’t upset them, they’d leave us alone.

Well, I was going out there every day…I’m still not really sure what we thought we were doing…but eventually I noticed that a couple of them looked vaguely familiar, and finally I realized they were The Ex’s friends…and then one day, I saw her.  She looks at me, and looks like she’s going to say something, and I look away like, ‘I don’t know you’.

One day we were out at a bunch of picnic tables in the woods, and there was this lake, and a couple people were jumping in the lake to go swimming, and The Ex and I ended up at picnic tables like across from each other, and I still thought she looked like she was going to talk to me, so I kept ignoring her….

And then the alert went up.

I’m not sure what the alert was…but it meant the spirits were angry.  Suddenly, there were all these huge cats–tigers, leopards, all different breeds and colors, but they were all huge and dangerous sorts of cats, and they came running for us.  The Ex yelled out, “Ginny, there’s a lion behind you!”  So I turn around, and there’s this huge cat–I can still feel the size of it, freaky–right behind me, growling at me, and it’s big and yellow, but I yell back, not taking my eyes off of it, “It’s not a lion; where’s its mane!?” and this high school guy nearby says, “It’s a female lion!”

There was this big pure white tiger really close, and just all these cats, and we all went running for the edge of the woods, which was the safety spot.  I don’t know how we made it there alive…something about teamwork.  So we’re all standing there, side by side, and The Ex has somehow ended up right next to me, so I suddenly think, ‘I don’t know why I don’t like her anyway…what did she ever do to me or Milo that would make me dislike her so much?’ so I look at her and say, “Ya know something…you’re really not so bad,” and she goes, “Thanks,” and smiles….

And as soon as she says thanks, I remember that she is the one who cheated on Milo and told him to kill himself.  Somehow in that moment I’d made myself believe she was someone else–but I couldn’t suddenly take it back and say, “Wait a second, I just remembered I hate you”, so I just turned around and started acting like she wasn’t there again.  And that’s about where I woke up–I think the conflicting emotions, combined with my not being able to take my foot out of my mouth, irritated me so much it brought me back to consciousness.

Oh…no, before that, we had just found out that the reason all the spirits were all pissed off at us was because I had “insulted” the ghost girl.  And so everyone kind of turned on me and I think they wanted to send me out into the woods with one other person, and The Ex being the only one I knew, I naturally thought of her, but that was where I thought, ‘Do I think I can stand her enough to take her out there and bargain with the spirits!?’  I really don’t know what they expected me to say to the spirits, anyway.

The cats were still there, but they couldn’t cross this line that we were on the other side of.  I don’t know why we were going to bother going back in the woods at all.  I woke up before I went back in, though.

Oh–the dream I had the night before last was even more disturbing.  In that one, I was a ghost girl.  It started out with this guy I’ve known since I was 2 asking me to marry him.  I told him no.  I was like, “Dude, I haven’t seen much of you at all in 5 years, and just…no. I’m sorry.”  So he kept trying to seduce me, and I just kept flat-out refusing.  But eventually like his whole family (family members I don’t think I’ve ever even met before, if they in fact exist) kept trying to talk me into it.  And they got the priest from our church involved, because they were convinced I’d say yes and that he would marry us.  And the priest even talked to me and said, “I really think you should go for it”, but I just said no.

So then I end up at the high school.  It’s nighttime, Ms. Martin’s doing a play, I figure, I may as well go and see it.  I see her backstage and she looks completely laidback, smoking a cigarette, and her boyfriend is there.  I asked her what play she was doing, and she said, (*drag*) “Guys and Dolls” (*drag*), and I was like, “…Ms. Martin, you did that one like, 4 years ago….” and she said, (*drag*) “Yeah….(*drag*)…I just don’t really care anymore, ya know?  To hell with it all”.  Um, (*drag*).  She went on (just consider the drags as being ever-present, to save myself the necessity of repeating them) to say that there was no one left in drama anyway, it was all going to hell anyway, and besides, she still had all the set pieces (which she really doesn’t, but that doesn’t matter anyway).

So I go out to watch the play, and it’s got 2 cast members, and they’re both from the Alhambra.  That’s it.  There is no set…they had costumes, but no set, and the play was not Guys and Dolls, even though there was a big sign hanging in front of the closed curtain that said so.  So I walked out. It was dark outside, and I was going to my car, and for some reason I had to walk through a dark alleyway, and I heard footsteps behind me, and I started to turn around, and then I blacked out.  I guess it was like I stopped dreaming for a while, but I came back from the blackout and actually had some idea of what had happened during it.  My funeral, where all my friends and family were standing there weeping, and then the Virginia guy and his family, who were not at the funeral, discussing who he was going to find now.  Watching them (which I never actually did, it all happened during the blackout) I discovered that his great-aunt had died, and was going to pass on the family fortune to him, but he had to find a wife first, and he only had a certain time limit to do it.  So he had thought of me, and his family was convinced I would say yes, but since I didn’t, they decided to kill me (dream logic).  And they were talking about finding the priest and killing him too.

So then I end up at the Nicole’s house, and I’m sitting in their upstairs family room, and Nicole and Cortney walk in, like all sad-like because they were upset about me.  I’m sitting in one of the chairs (now I’m ghost-girl Ginny) and just waiting for them, and I knew that I was a ghost…so I didn’t know if they could see me or not, but since I spend so much time there nowadays, it just seemed like the perfect place to go…and I didn’t know why I was still on Earth, but there you have it.

They walk in and both stop and stare at me.  And Cortney kind of whispers, “Gin?” and I said, “You can see me!?” and they both just nodded, and I said, “You can hear me!?” and they said, “Yeah….”  So I told them, very solemnly, that I wasn’t real, not to freak out or anything, I was just a ghost, and I was still there for some reason, just…dead.  After a few moments’ dumbfounded silence, they both ran over and tried to hug me, but like, they couldn’t touch me because they’d get like a shock if they did.

I said, a little sadly, “It’s okay.  I’m not a part of the world of the living.  There are plenty of things I can’t do.”  We decided to start scrapbooking (I think they were trying to make me feel better, as well as trying to do something relatively normal because–well, this was just getting really weird).  And later, Nicole’s parents come home from somewhere, and you can tell they’re kind of treading on eggshells, because they figure the girls are really upset still (it’s been like a week since the funeral, I think) and they call up the stairs, “Are you girls all right?” and they called back, rather excitedly, “Yes!” and then we all three go downstairs, where I expect Nicole’s parents were very confused by their eagerness…and I was behind them, and they said, “We have a surprise!” all excitedly, and I step out.

Nicole’s mom shrieks and kind of steps back, and they’re like, “It’s okay…she’s a ghost, but isn’t it cool?  She can still hang out with us!”

I grin at Nicole’s parents like this is a good thing, and they give us the smiles which I know by now mean they’re trying to make us think something is okay, but they’re having serious doubts about it.  I don’t know if Nicole or Cort noticed, but I was thinking, “Why are they looking like that?  Don’t they think this is a good thing?  Don’t they want me to be here?”

We go back upstairs, and we’re scrapbooking, and then Cortney goes home after a while, and then it’s another day (I don’t really know what happened to the night or where I went, if I was still there, if it was even possible for me to leave the house.)  But then Cort comes back again, and Nicole is already there, and we decide to watch some movie upstairs.  Partway through whatever it was, Nicole’s mom calls up the stairs, “Girls?  Can you come down here for a sec?  We want to talk”, so we stop the movie and go downstairs and sit around the table and on the stairs.

Nicole’s mom is doing most of the talking, like usual, and she says, “Now, girls…I know you’re enjoying hanging out and having fun like you used to…”, and Cort and Nicole smiled and nodded, and I did too, but thinking, ‘Here it comes…whatever it is.’  She said, “…And Ginny, don’t get me wrong, we are very happy to see you….”  By now I know Cort and Nicole have realized something is wrong.
Nicole’s dad said, “But the fact is, Ginny is dead.  She’s not really here.  Or she is here, but she shouldn’t be.”

I looked down, like I should be expected to feel guilty about this.  Like it’s my fault.  But I was really feeling bad, because I didn’t want to be dead, I wanted to be there with Cort and Nicole, enjoying life (to the extent possible) like they were!  And I was, and here they were trying to make me feel bad about it, and I didn’t understand why!

Nicole’s mom said, “The point is, when someone is gone, they’re gone, and Ginny is only here in a form of the Ginny she used to be.”

I said, “No!  I’m here!!  I’m here!!!  I’m still me, I just…give off electricity…and I can’t eat anymore…but I’m still me!!!”  And Nicole’s parents got that smile on their faces again, and I got the butterflies in my stomach again, and Cort and Nicole laughed, but not for long, because I think they were feeling similarly to how I was.  And Nicole’s dad said, “I’m sorry, Ginny, but you’re going to have to go”, and I said, “Go?  Go where!?  I don’t even know if I can go!”

Cort and Nicole were starting to argue now too, and they were saying, “Why does she have to go?  As long as she’s here, we may as well enjoy it!” and Nicole’s mom was saying, “But she’s not here, not really….”

Then Nicole’s dad said, “Follow me,” and we all went up these stairs that had suddenly appeared on the other side of the kitchen–well, they’d been there, we just hadn’t noticed them until then–and they were just straight up and there was a door at the end, and there were lights coming from under the door like a television was on, and they opened the door and said, “Ginny, you’re going to have to stay here…alone”, and I said, “But I don’t want to stay up here alone”, and they said, “We’re sorry”, and Nicole and Cort looked absolutely shocked that this was taking place, but they didn’t do anything, and I went through the door, and it ended up in like this attic, and there were like 5 more stairs on that side of the door, and there was the attic.  But the walls, floors, and ceiling weren’t like normal ones–they were all movie screens depicting the worst moments of my life, something different on every screen, and they didn’t stop playing.  And there was noise from all of them, and I could make out what was going on if I concentrated on them.  It was all in black and white, like old movies, and I wasn’t actually seeing myself, but looking at one screen was kind of like looking at the scene from my point of view…like, I was the camera.  I don’t remember what any of them were.  But then after a while, Nicole and Cort came up, and they said, “We didn’t want you to have to stay here alone for too long,” and I said, “Thanks,” and they’d brought cards and we were going to play, but it was hard to do anything in there because I couldn’t concentrate…but then I realized the walls and ceiling and floor looked just like ordinary to them, and they thought I was kind of losing it because I was seeing and hearing all these things that they weren’t.  They didn’t stay very long after that.

And they came back again, and stayed for an even shorter time, and I thought, “They’re forgetting me.  That’s what’s going on.  They’re forgetting me, and when I’m completely forgotten, I will stop existing.  That’s why I’m up here.  So I’ll really be dead, I won’t be on Earth anymore….”  And I didn’t want them to forget me, because I wanted to go on enjoying life with Cortney and Nicole like normal…but it was losing its appeal, because it wasn’t like normal.  And as they were leaving this second time, I said, “I CAN TURN BACK TIME!!!!” really desperately, and I don’t know how I could, but however I did it worked just like the Time-Turner in Harry Potter, where you could go back like an hour at a time, or however many hours, but exactly on the hour.  (I didn’t realize that bit until after I woke up, though.)  And I said, “I can turn back time, so you can have as much time as you want up here without your parents knowing!!” and they said, “Oh, that’s good,” but they didn’t look like they really felt it.  And I thought, “That’s it…they want to forget me now, and when they do, that’s when I really will die.”  I guess subconsciously I was thinking, it’s like what they say, as long as someone is still in your heart and mind, they’re never really dead….

That’s pretty much it, I think that’s where I woke up.  Sometimes (like now)I kind of feel that after-effect from a dream, like when you watch a scary movie and you’re always looking over your shoulder….  More from the woods one than that one; that one just messed with my head a lot.  I just see that girl staring at me and it freaks me out.

A Genius Named Drew

Today I remembered a very comical story that I am very ashamed to have forgotten; I’d have to say it’s one of the most amusing things to happen to me…ever.

A few years ago, when my friends and I owned the backseats of the school bus, this new kid arrived…and when I say “kid”, I mean like, 11, 12 years old.  He was this adorable little thing with glasses named Drew, and Drew was a genius.  This is why he rode our bus.  While he was in high school, he didn’t attend ours–he took a shuttle from ours to the prep school each day.  I think he was a sophomore or junior…?  Anyway, we all thought he was just the cutest thing, and always fought over who was going to get to sit next to him, and who was going to be the first to break down and ask him out and whatnot.  (Because, even though he was so young, his IQ was still up there, ya know?  And we were only 15.)  And Drew, in turn, flirted with each and every one of us…I remember when he gave us all cards on Valentine’s Day.  He used to help us with our homework because he was just so much better stuff than we were.  I remember getting improved grades on my math homework after he put his mind to it.

One day, Drew did not appear on the bus.  And he never came back.  We all missed him terribly after that, and then forgot almost entirely about him, until sometime the next year…my sister informed me that Drew was on her soccer team, and upon finding out her last name, asked her if she knew me.  Apparently she already knew him from school, because he used to go to hers.  Drew was not a genius at all–the reason he no longer went to her school was because he had been kicked out, and was now taking a shuttle bus from ours to some school for troubled children.  We were all duped by the little weasel.

How pathetic is that!?

Kid’s like my hero now.

Raises Already!

So…have I mentioned how much I love my job!?  Yesterday, Dann, one of the managers (the same one who gave Tinny and me an unheard-of compliment last week) came up to us himself and said, “I just wanted to thank the both of you…you’re doing such a great job…you’re the only servers we haven’t had any complaints about…you’re on time every day…every time I look at you, you’re smiling…and we normally don’t do this until after a year, but when you’ve both worked here for 30 days, we’re going to give you a raise.”

Faith, trust, and pixie dust–that’s bloody fantastic!

Last night I drew this little faerie…elf…thing?…that actually turned out somewhat well, and this is an accomplishment, because it’s the only thing I’ve ever drawn from my mind, without looking at anything, that’s come out okay.  I was quite pleased with myself.

Okay, no more news for the moment…tata!

People Skills and Beatles

Have I mentioned yet how much I really love my job?  I can’t get over how very much better it is than my previous one!  One of the major contributors to this fact is that I get more interaction with people–and people my own age, too!  Most of my interaction before was over the phone, and while I am glad that I had the opportunity to learn phone skills–don’t laugh, you’d be surprised how many people have no phone skills, and how much more confident I am now that I do–I thrive on this face-to-face stuff. It’s nifty.

Milo is coming over tomorrow at about 9:30 to use the computer, so perhaps he will wake me up.  He’ll be moving back in sometime before the end of the month, I think.  That’s cool.  Something he did just made me really happy the other night; I got off the phone with him and couldn’t stop smiling.  I won’t detail it, but…it was nice.

A few nights ago I had a dream that I was in England with the Beatles…all four of them…and we were walking somewhere….  The details aren’t really clear anymore; all I know is we were going somewhere, and we had decided to walk, and we were going in a certain direction, when John insisted we go a different way.  He and Paul argued for quite a while, before John just started walking, so the other three all just followed him, assuming, I suppose, that he must know where he was going (and I guess Paul just decided not to bother arguing any longer)….

Anyway, so they were crossing a street, and suddenly something told me I ought to take a picture, because this was a momentous occasion.

…The street was Abbey Road….

Again I find myself asking myself…how the devil do I dream stuff like this!?  This was different–not very detailed–but I didn’t know how it was going to end, and the ending still made some bit of sense.  I don’t know.  Dreams are so strange.

Panic At Ginny’s Disco

I think maybe I had a panic attack today.  I’m not quite sure.

I got up around 1 and heard the end of Sister’s bitching about wanting to take out my parents’ van.  They finally conceded.  About five minutes later, I went and got in the shower.  I was in there maybe 10 minutes, had just put shampoo in my hair, when Dad kicked the door and said, “GET THE HELL OUT OF THE SHOWER!  I’M IN A HURRY!”

“I have to rinse out my hair!” I said.


I screamed, “ALL RIGHT!”


Meanwhile, I was turning off the water–without rinsing out my hair, because I understood the urgency of the matter–and I said, “I wasn’t arguing!”


“YOU WERE YELLING FROM THE VERY FIRST WORD!”  He’s always yelling.  Always.  How should I be able to distinguish emergency yelling from just being an asshole yelling?


I just could not believe the injustice of this situation.  “There’s not a towel on the floor!” I said.


I didn’t answer that.  I just stood there wondering why it was that he was in such a hurry that I had to get out of the shower without rinsing soap out of my hair, but then he expected me to wipe up the floor before I came out.  And then he had the time to stand there and yell at me about it.

I went into my room with the towel on and shut the door, and I was just sitting there on the floor and he was in the shower yelling all this shit about how she slammed into a sign and the brakes didn’t work, and why weren’t my keys somewhere where we could get to them in an emergency (they were in my purse where I couldn’t lose them) and yada yada yada….  So I was just sitting there, and I just started shaking, and I thought I was having a freaking seizure or something.  I was just shaking violently, and then I started sobbing and gasping for breath, and he was still in the shower yelling, and finally he left and I immediately called Cortney.

“Hello?” she said.


And then I just screamed and cried and she said, “Ginny, tell me what’s wrong.  Do you need me to come and get you?” and I started screaming again.  All she made out were the words “Sister” and “car”, so she assumed Sister had stolen my car and wrecked it.  So she said, “I’m coming to get you right now, okay?” after I had calmed down a bit and was just panting, and I said okay and went to rinse off and get dressed.

Brother and his friend were home, and he came to the door and asked me what was wrong, and I screamed something at him (which I feel terrible about, and I don’t even remember what I said), and…you know that feeling when you get out of a hot bath, like you can feel your blood all over?  I felt like that…it was like my insides were even shaking.

Cortney picked me up and told me she wasn’t going to let me go to work, so I called in sick.

Mom called, and I told her Cort had picked me up.  She assumed it was to take me to work, since she had my car.

“I’m taking your sister to the hospital.  She doesn’t want to go, she says she’s fine, but she was in a pretty serious accident.”

“With a street sign?” I replied coldly.  Maybe it was shitty of me, but I can’t forgive the way I was treated and what he made happen to me.

“No, it was one of those cinder block signs at the front of a neighborhood.”

“Oh.  …How’s the sign?”

“Destroyed, and we’re paying the $4,000 to have it fixed, so we are now bankrupt.”  The van is also totaled, apparently.

They’re not pissed at her, though.  At least, Mom isn’t.  I don’t know whether Dad is; all I know is, he’s pissed at me, and like I’m always saying, I despise the fact that he blames me for everything she does…every time she does anything…he takes it out on me.  Not her.  Me.  That’s why I got so upset today.  I do feel sort of guilty for pretending not to care about my sister, but I was so pissed off.

Cortney bought me a smoothie, then we went to Walmart, watched TV, took a nap, and watched Labyrinth, so I’ve had lots of time to cool off.  Still, I told Mom what happened after they got home and I started shaking again just talking about it.  I thought it was a seizure, which I didn’t even know could happen to people who aren’t epileptic, but now I’m thinking I had a panic attack.


Hindsight is 20/20

This morning I missed a class because Sister and her boyfriend were taking a shower and wouldn’t get out until it was too late.

Went to the financial aid office–my classes have been taken care of, so no more danger of being kicked out (thank goodness).

As I was leaving school, I was passing a courtyard of students waiting to get into class, and (still on one end of the courtyard, at some distance from all the students) one in particular caught my eye.  This guy was hot–I immediately decided he was the hottest guy I had ever seen–and then he waved at me.  I thought, “The hottest guy in the world is waving at me?” and then I got a little closer and realized it was Milo.

Okay, so I wasn’t wearing my glasses, I was far away, and I’m still not used to seeing him without his glasses either.  I don’t know why I didn’t recognize him at first.  The point is, when I first met him, I didn’t even think he was that hot–I thought he was okay, but nothing spectacular–and now I see him from a distance and think he’s the hottest guy in the world before I realize it’s him.  So sometime in the past three years, he became “my type”, just by being him.  Aww…I wonder if he could see the adoration in my eyes when I was talking to him…I could certainly feel it, and we were standing so close….

Well, it made my day.