Today was terrible. Okay, well–starting with last night. Yesterday afternoon, actually. There was a fire down the street…all I could do was sit in my room and cry. So anyway, last night (the first night I was really alone and closed off in the darkness since I got the news, so I guess that’s why this happened last night) I could not fall asleep. I had trouble on Friday night, but that was because I had too much on my mind. Last night, I was afraid to fall asleep, like a little kid. In fact, it is the first time since I was really little that I have lain awake crying in bed, afraid of dying, or of my family dying, too afraid to go to sleep. I was crying because I wanted to go into my parents’ room and lie down with them like I did when I was little, when I could take my teddy bear and amble on in there in my little footy pajamas and say, “I’m scared”…and I felt like a complete idiot wanting to go in there last night. I’m 19 freaking years old. So I just stayed in my room, freaking out because I needed my fan on, but it was so loud, and I couldn’t hear anything over it, and thinking, I don’t even know where our smoke alarm is…and wanting to turn off the music because that makes it even harder to hear, although I always fall asleep listening to music because usually it helps me sleep. So I turned the music way down…. I guess I was having a sort of panic attack. I really don’t know. It’s not like I’m even afraid to die myself…fire just freaks me out. This is the definition of phobia, when your fear incapacitates you. I don’t know that I’ve felt that phobic about anything (other than arachnids, of course) since the days when a nightmare kept me awake.
I didn’t feel quite so stupid in the morning after explaining this to Katie, because she told me it’s normal to feel trauma after something like this happens.
So that was last night. Today…oh, boy. Well, my classes were nice, I have no complaints there…but then I got to work. Usually (I hope) I’m supposed to serve, like I’ve already explained, which I enjoy, for reasons I have also previously explained. Tonight, however, there were too many servers, which meant I was “on the floor” from 4:30 until 9 (an hour later than normal because when you are on the floor, you have to stay to clean up). Well, while everyone else said, “Oh, you’re so lucky, you don’t have to serve tonight” and I smiled meekly to show false enthusiasm…I don’t like being on the floor. It means that I have to find ways to look busy for hours on end like I always had to do at the last job. Everyone thinks it’s great not having anything to do…no. It isn’t. Because when your superiors are walking around, taking note of what you’re doing, you can’t stand there with nothing to do.
Besides the stress of having to do and redo things that didn’t need doing in the first place, not being busy at every second, like I am when I’m serving, gave me plenty of time to think about things, which was the other reason I thought I’d like this job much better than the last one. When I’m left to my mind for that long, I just get depressed.
And besides the depression, today happened to be one of those days when I have no confidence. This happens about every other day. Some days I will feel like I can do anything if I tell myself to, and the other days I feel like I’m this pathetic little person who will never get anywhere in life. As I said, it’s about half and half. This was a bad day. This was the sort of day when I thought, “I can’t write well enough to publish anything; no newspaper would hire me…ever”…. There’s the incapacitation again. Not because of a phobia, but because of…what? I don’t know…I wish I did; it would certainly help to know why every other day I feel worthless and like I will never get anywhere. When I was younger and I had thoughts like that, they caused me to believe that I wouldn’t make it very far in life, that God would just end it because I had no clue what I was going to do and I was just a waste of a being. I’d think that maybe that was the best end for me, to just die young…that it would be fitting because I could never figure out what to do with my life, and the fact that I couldn’t visualize beyond high school, not even just a little hint, meant that I wasn’t going to live that much longer. I don’t know–it sounds like I somehow thought that since I couldn’t foresee the future, that it just wasn’t there….
Well, I was finally able to clock out at 9, which was good, because I didn’t think I could go too much longer without crying, and I didn’t want to have a freaking nervous breakdown at work. So I clocked out, speedwalked to my car, unlocked it, sat down, buckled my seat belt, turned the key…and nothing happened.
It was pouring rain on the way to work, so I had my lights on. Yes, I know you’re wondering, didn’t I hear the beeping when I got out? Of course I heard the beeping…I just never pay attention to it. The car beeps when the door is open; I never know what the beeping is for. It’d be helpful if the car would say, “Your lights are on”–I’d notice that–or else have different sounds to differentiate when the lights are on, or when the key is in the ignition, something so that it stands out, like how different people on my buddy list have different sign-on sounds, or how some cell phones have different rings for different people….
Anyway…I called AAA, but then one of the chefs had jumper cables and was going to solve the problem, so I cancelled the AAA call. Unfortunately, his jumper cables wouldn’t reach my car…and then the cop couldn’t start it with his little portable jumper thingy because apparently my battery was too low…so I called my mom, who didn’t feel like coming out and told me to call someone else…it was about 10 by this point…so I called Cortney, who was in bed, so I called my mom again, and, while she sounded very put out, she agreed to come and pick me up, and I sat there with her on the phone, just crying while I tried and tried and tried to start the car, and eventually my dad came out instead, and we finally got it fixed, and I got home about 11.
Okay, I’ve complained enough for one day. God…why can’t I ever just shut up and be happy?