One of the most frightening ideas to me, ever, has always been that of losing my self. My memory, my soul, whatever…or anyone doing so. Like, in horror movies, when one person is possessed by another…this is just the freakiest thing to me. Because what do you have if you don’t have your self? …Nothing…. Reminds me of a line from The Crucible: “Because it is my name! Because I can have no other!” I love that play. Anyway, I’ve always been petrified at the thought of losing my memory, or someone I know losing theirs. Because no matter what happens to you, when you still have your own thoughts and memory, you’re never completely alone.
This is why, when I finally saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I thought it a very interesting concept, but knew that I could never do what Jim Carrey’s character does.
A few months later, however (just the other day), as I was brushing my teeth in the morning, I had a sudden thought–what if I could erase every memory of him? What if I could forget that he ever existed, wipe myself clean of him? Somewhere inside of me, I would still love him, but I wouldn’t know…it wouldn’t matter that he didn’t love me back…for a brief moment, I found myself wishing that I could. I found myself wishing that I could do this very monstrosity that I have always feared. After the moment passed, however, I mentally slapped myself. How could I think such a thing!?
Also recently, I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to die, for the simple fact that I do not want to live forever. (My family believes in the Bible. I’m not so sure I do, but just assuming here.) I fear Heaven. I fear the afterlife. I do not want to keep thinking and feeling for eternity. I’m not saying I want to go to Hell, I just…don’t want to go anywhere. I wish that when I die I could say, “I choose to stop existing.” Why can’t a soul be wiped out? I don’t believe that it can. It is easier for my mind to grasp the concept of a soul going on and on and on for ever and always than the concept of a soul just…quitting. Where would all the memories go? Can memories just be wiped away? In The Giver, the memories didn’t disappear with one person’s death…if they were not passed on from person to person, then they found people when they had nowhere else to go.
Today I thought that maybe it would be nice to be in a place where love does not exist. Then it wouldn’t matter who doesn’t love me; I wouldn’t love anyone, either. I wouldn’t know about such things. No one would. They just wouldn’t exist.
And then I immediately thought, “Romans 6:23: For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” And I thought, “God is love…love is God…they are the same….” Hell is a place without God, and without love…so…did I just wish to go to Hell? Imagine–a lifetime in Hell and then an abrupt ending with death…never to think or feel about anything…ever again….
This is all, of course, working from the assumption that Christianity is true, which I am no longer as convinced of these days. Maybe there really are no souls, no gods, and no afterlife.