Double, Double, Toil, & Trouble

When I was five years old, I saw a ghost at church.

I don’t think I actually believe in ghosts now, though I was afraid of them at the time.  Despite this, that image of it is permanently etched into my mind–those red eyes staring at me out of a paper-thin, ink-black body with rounded extremities like those of a gingerbread man.  I know it was only my imagination playing tricks on me, but there it is still.

Lately I have been experiencing recurring nightmares about that church.  They’re always very disturbing, the creepiest dreams ever.  With each dream I get just a little bit further in…like Harry’s dreams about the Department of Mysteries in Order of the Phoenix.

I had one last night.  It started out like it always does, where I walk in and can feel the silence, and death, and the presence of some very evil being…but this time, I turned around and walked out of the building.  I walked down the street in the direction of my house, and I went inside, but it didn’t look like my house on the inside.  It was just a bunch of empty rooms, and there was a small group of people inside.  The details are fuzzy…I think I remember about 5 or 6 people…it seemed to be a sort of…not support group…I’m not sure…but it was like they all knew the church was haunted or something.  I think I was part of this group of what were probably something along the lines of Ghostbusters.  Except there was nothing comedic about it—everyone was dead serious, no pun intended, about what we were doing.  They were telling me that they had discovered the name for the “creature”, or whatever, that was inside the building.  I can’t remember exactly—something like, “Nilenuck” or “Neletuck”, or maybe something else completely, but it looked and sounded very similar to that.  Someone had this big old book that looked like something out of a cheesy B-rated horror film, which is where we got this name, and I remember looking at it in the book.

The group was sending me and one other person back into the church to the library, to find out more information about the ghost-thingy, or just to see if there was any more information on it.  So this other person and I walked down the street and in the same door I always walk in at the start of the dream, and Mass was going on, and everyone turned around to look at us, and the priest glanced at us before walking down the aisle to the front, and we headed up two flights of stairs to the library (I don’t even remember if there were two flights of stairs from that location), and we were in there for what seemed like forever, and could faintly hear Mass continuing downstairs for a while, and then it ended….  The priest came in after a time to see what we were up to, and was getting very angry, wanting to send us out, when the other person finally found this book about ghosts and said, “AHA!” and we were looking in it, but there was only one name listed in it (I don’t know how we turned right to that part so quickly, or knew there was nowhere else in the book that a name would be mentioned, but anyway)…it was something like “Brier” or “Grier”—only 5 or 6 letters, and there was definitely an “ie” in the middle that was pronounced like “ee”…but the odd thing about it was that I expected to only find this name anywhere in the library, and none others.  When I saw it, I was completely unsurprised.  I don’t know, people think and feel strange things in dreams.  But then we closed the book and left, went back to my house, told the group what we’d found, and that’s when I woke up.  I think we were getting ready to take some other course of action, but I never found out what it was.

In other news…my parents want me to get counseling.  I told them I don’t want to go.  I don’t know, I could probably use it, but I just don’t want to go.

I haven’t had to go on the floor since the other night, so work’s been enjoyable.  Oh, and I really like my psychology class—not that I didn’t expect to, but it’s really interesting.  Because I am a dork, I gave all of my classes Harry Potter names—Liberal Arts Math, obviously, is Arithmancy…Psychology is Occlumency…American Federal Government is Muggle Studies…and Introduction to Speech is Defense Against the Dark Arts.  I amuse myself.

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Whiny Little Teenager

Today was terrible.  Okay, well–starting with last night.  Yesterday afternoon, actually.  There was a fire down the street…all I could do was sit in my room and cry.  So anyway, last night (the first night I was really alone and closed off in the darkness since I got the news, so I guess that’s why this happened last night) I could not fall asleep.  I had trouble on Friday night, but that was because I had too much on my mind.  Last night, I was afraid to fall asleep, like a little kid.  In fact, it is the first time since I was really little that I have lain awake crying in bed, afraid of dying, or of my family dying, too afraid to go to sleep.  I was crying because I wanted to go into my parents’ room and lie down with them like I did when I was little, when I could take my teddy bear and amble on in there in my little footy pajamas and say, “I’m scared”…and I felt like a complete idiot wanting to go in there last night.  I’m 19 freaking years old.  So I just stayed in my room, freaking out because I needed my fan on, but it was so loud, and I couldn’t hear anything over it, and thinking, I don’t even know where our smoke alarm is…and wanting to turn off the music because that makes it even harder to hear, although I always fall asleep listening to music because usually it helps me sleep.  So I turned the music way down….  I guess I was having a sort of panic attack.  I really don’t know.  It’s not like I’m even afraid to die myself…fire just freaks me out.  This is the definition of phobia, when your fear incapacitates you.  I don’t know that I’ve felt that phobic about anything (other than arachnids, of course) since the days when a nightmare kept me awake.

I didn’t feel quite so stupid in the morning after explaining this to Katie, because she told me it’s normal to feel trauma after something like this happens.

So that was last night.  Today…oh, boy.  Well, my classes were nice, I have no complaints there…but then I got to work.  Usually (I hope) I’m supposed to serve, like I’ve already explained, which I enjoy, for reasons I have also previously explained.  Tonight, however, there were too many servers, which meant I was “on the floor” from 4:30 until 9 (an hour later than normal because when you are on the floor, you have to stay to clean up).  Well, while everyone else said, “Oh, you’re so lucky, you don’t have to serve tonight” and I smiled meekly to show false enthusiasm…I don’t like being on the floor.  It means that I have to find ways to look busy for hours on end like I always had to do at the last job.  Everyone thinks it’s great not having anything to do…no.  It isn’t.  Because when your superiors are walking around, taking note of what you’re doing, you can’t stand there with nothing to do.

Besides the stress of having to do and redo things that didn’t need doing in the first place, not being busy at every second, like I am when I’m serving, gave me plenty of time to think about things, which was the other reason I thought I’d like this job much better than the last one.  When I’m left to my mind for that long, I just get depressed.

And besides the depression, today happened to be one of those days when I have no confidence.  This happens about every other day.  Some days I will feel like I can do anything if I tell myself to, and the other days I feel like I’m this pathetic little person who will never get anywhere in life.  As I said, it’s about half and half.  This was a bad day.  This was the sort of day when I thought, “I can’t write well enough to publish anything; no newspaper would hire me…ever”….  There’s the incapacitation again.  Not because of a phobia, but because of…what?  I don’t know…I wish I did; it would certainly help to know why every other day I feel worthless and like I will never get anywhere.  When I was younger and I had thoughts like that, they caused me to believe that I wouldn’t make it very far in life, that God would just end it because I had no clue what I was going to do and I was just a waste of a being.  I’d think that maybe that was the best end for me, to just die young…that it would be fitting because I could never figure out what to do with my life, and the fact that I couldn’t visualize beyond high school, not even just a little hint, meant that I wasn’t going to live that much longer.  I don’t know–it sounds like I somehow thought that since I couldn’t foresee the future, that it just wasn’t there….

Well, I was finally able to clock out at 9, which was good, because I didn’t think I could go too much longer without crying, and I didn’t want to have a freaking nervous breakdown at work.  So I clocked out, speedwalked to my car, unlocked it, sat down, buckled my seat belt, turned the key…and nothing happened.

It was pouring rain on the way to work, so I had my lights on.  Yes, I know you’re wondering, didn’t I hear the beeping when I got out?  Of course I heard the beeping…I just never pay attention to it.  The car beeps when the door is open; I never know what the beeping is for.  It’d be helpful if the car would say, “Your lights are on”–I’d notice that–or else have different sounds to differentiate when the lights are on, or when the key is in the ignition, something so that it stands out, like how different people on my buddy list have different sign-on sounds, or how some cell phones have different rings for different people….

Anyway…I called AAA, but then one of the chefs had jumper cables and was going to solve the problem, so I cancelled the AAA call.  Unfortunately, his jumper cables wouldn’t reach my car…and then the cop couldn’t start it with his little portable jumper thingy because apparently my battery was too low…so I called my mom, who didn’t feel like coming out and told me to call someone else…it was about 10 by this point…so I called Cortney, who was in bed, so I called my mom again, and, while she sounded very put out, she agreed to come and pick me up, and I sat there with her on the phone, just crying while I tried and tried and tried to start the car, and eventually my dad came out instead, and we finally got it fixed, and I got home about 11.

Okay, I’ve complained enough for one day.  God…why can’t I ever just shut up and be happy?

Feeling Weird

Starting school tomorrow.  Not sure yet how I feel about that.

…I haven’t been able to get this off my mind.  I learned recently that this kid I went to school with was killed in a fire.  We were certainly never close, but I had known him since we were toddlers.  I can’t stop thinking about his family, and his friends, and…him.  So many little things keep reminding me.  And then there was a fire down the street today, and I just feel…weird.

Smiles With a Side of Giggles

My new job is so much better than my old one.

The only complaint I have at this point is that my back, hands, and legs hurt from standing up for four hours, dishing out food.

When I got in, I wiped down some tables.  Then I dished out food.  And then I cleaned up again and came home.

I don’t have to be there until 4:30–since I get out of classes each day at 3:15, I’m pretty sure that gives me time to come home, change, grab a quick bite to eat, and still get back and park (and walk, if necessary) and get to work on time.  Let’s see…15 minutes to get home from school…I’ll say 20, just in case…that’s 3:35…another 20 to get back…3:55…that gives me another 35 minutes to do whatever I need to do at home, and to park (and perhaps walk).  Wow.  This is great–I can wear whatever the heck I want to school every day!

I had a fantastic dream last night that I know no one wants to hear about, so I won’t go into it…but it had me in a good mood all day long, from the moment I woke up.

Sunny Side Up

Well, I think I’m really going to like my new job!  Yay!  I only have to work 4-close (which, they assured me, is not late–like 8:30, 9) Monday to Thursday after my classes, and as I have no classes on Friday, that means I get three-day weekends every week.  This is the kind of stress-free break I’ve been looking for!  This way…I’m positive I can keep my 3.5 GPA…and maybe I can even raise it…how incredible would that be?  So that is my goal.  Keep that GPA up.  It already hasn’t been this high since…what, 6th grade?  7th?  But now it will be higher.

Things suddenly look a whole heck of a lot brighter.

Positive Change

I can finally comfortably tell my last job to go screw itself.  While I basically quit a little over a week ago when I started wishing to never go back, today it is official, because I got a job in the UNF cafeteria.  Ironically, Walmart called me five minutes after I got off the phone with them about my application, and I told them graciously that I’d just been hired.

This is turning out to be a very good day.  Wonder how long it’ll take someone from the old job to call me.  I was telling Wendy, it’s not like I quit or got fired…more like the end of a relationship, except there was never any official break-up, we just stopped calling each other.  I sensed that I was going to be fired if I returned so I just…never did.

Sister got suspended from school for 3 days…it’s really funny, she and some of her friends were skipping this morning, got caught sitting in the auditorium and not in class, and she tried to tell the people in the office she’d had a doctor’s appointment and had just gotten there.  So then they had her call my mom, and she said, “Can you tell them I had a doctor’s appointment this morning?” and my mom said, “You did?  I wasn’t aware of this,” and hung up on her, so Sister called back and said, “Can you please tell them I had an appointment?” and my mom said, “Who is this?  I don’t have a child who had a doctor’s appointment this morning,” and the counselor or whatever asked to talk to her, and my mom told her Sister did not have an appointment–and now she is suspended.  Funny stuff.

Speaking of doctors, Brother’s got pink-eye right now.  I’m keeping my distance.

Desperately Seeking Employment

I’m desperately seeking a new job and have been applying all over the place and calling everyone back.  I’m just so miserable and broke at my current job.  Waiting to hear back from the cafe at UNF.

It sucks not being able to spend any money.  I’m even trying to save on gas, because I already owed my parents money for that, and I can’t pay for it now.  My parents say they won’t be able to pay for me to go to school, and my mom is convinced I’m going to get there on the first day and they’ll kick me out because I’m not on the roll.  I just find it faintly amusing that they seem to feel it is more important right now to buy Sister a car than to pay for my education, which they’ll be reimbursed for, anyhow.  If I don’t go to school this semester, I won’t have my A.A. by spring, and that will wreck all of my plans.  Sister, meanwhile, only wants a car so that she can have a job, which she only wants to pay for her car.  All she wants is a car, and I don’t think she really freaking needs one right now.

I really miss the days of babysitting when I earned enough to pay for school and a car.  The real world sucks.