Right now I can’t think of anything but the a/c…I am dying of heat.  This morning when I climbed out of bed, I had to get out of my room (because in the summer it’s the hottest in the house) so I came out into the living room and it was just as hot out here!  So I started blacking out and fell into the wall.  It’s still miserable in here.

I seriously hate Florida.

In other news, Napoleon is moving Wayne to a different office.  Things are about to get way worse at work.


The Unsure Thing

Hm.  Okay, so…Nick.  The hottest guy in all of my classes that first semester at FSCJ.  The next semester he was in my film class.  We always talked in that class because we knew each other from the other class and I had helped him to pass.  (“You seriously saved my ass in geography,” he told me, to which I replied, “Awesome; I want to be a superhero, so that works out.”)  He started calling me “40 Pages” after I turned in the script in our film class, and we’ve talked online late late at night on many occasions…but we still don’t really know each other….  I guess that’s all the background information that’s needed.

I was going to spend all day making out with this guy on the beach tomorrow.  No commitments, no strings attached, no guilt involved.  It actually sounded like fun, just a one-day sort of thing that you only really read about in books or see in crazy rom-coms…fortunately, another friend was online at this time and pointed out how degrading to myself this would be and completely talked me out of it.

I don’t know why I felt the need to write this in here.  I don’t know.  It was really fun to think about for a while.  A one-day thing with a really hot almost-stranger…hmm.

Oh, I don’t know.  I’m weird.


I always have this urge to write, but then when I sit down to actually do it, I just want to keep my thoughts to myself.  I sit around, bored, going insane because there’s so much I want to say, but then I get here and I just…can’t say it anymore.  I have this freaking depressing song stuck in my head that won’t go away and I have insomnia and I can never fall asleep until only a couple of hours before I have to wake up.

I have no idea what work is going to be like tomorrow.  I’m only accustomed to working at Ponte Vedra on weekends–which, by the way, I am so glad I don’t have to do anymore.  But I dislike it enough on weekends…god knows how it’ll feel during the week.  I hope I won’t go insane.  I hope I’ll be able to leave early.  I’m going to ask if I can do what my mom does at her office–not take lunch at lunchtime, in order to be able to leave 45 minutes early and avoid as much traffic as possible.  It takes me 45 minutes to get home from this office in weekend traffic when I leave at 4:00.  I’m going to be leaving at 5:00, hopefully 4:15 if I can manage it, every day.  Scary thought.  I hate being so far from home all the time.  I can remember driving places with my parents when I was little–places I’d never seen before, and where they’d never been before, and which were really far from home, and I’d get really freaked out, like somehow we’d be lost forever…what’s the word for that…agoraphobia?  No, I think that’s fear of open spaces.  I don’t know.  I’m just weird.

I get really severely depressed sometimes.  Like, not suicidal…I’m not that stupid anymore…but it’s bad.  I don’t want to do anything, I can’t think of anything to do, I pace, I cry, I can’t sleep, I sit and stare at a blank TV screen or a closed book, sit in my car and don’t go anywhere, wanting to do something but then not doing it…what is wrong with me??  Sometimes I honestly think I really didn’t get over the depression that used to afflict me.  Is it like alcoholism?  Something you never completely get over, but you have occasional regressions?  I feel like it makes me a weak person that it would afflict me at all.  It should be something I can just say no to, I should just be able to get over it, if I were stronger, I wouldn’t have this problem.  I cry all the time for no reason.  I get these chest pains because–I think because–I slouch, and then subconsciously I’m thinking, ‘It’s my heart…my heart hurts’…but why!?

Okay, I suppose I’ll go lie in bed now and attempt to fall asleep.

I am choosing to put a different song in my head.  I won’t even say what the other song was.  I’m sorry, Beatles, I feel disloyal, but I just can’t take it right now.

Independence Day 19: Revenge of the Heat Wave

Not really a whole lot to say today, so I have some photos for you instead.  I did a second shoot with the same photographer since I had so much fun the first time.  Happy Independence Day, everyone!  It’s freaking 96 degrees here right now.