The above message was concealed in my fortune cookie today.
So…I CAN’T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY DID IT!!!!!!!! OH…MY…GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will report the facts as I can remember them–I believe this is the most comprehensive my memory of this will ever be. After my disturbing revelation yesterday morning that I might, in fact, be a chicken, I resolved, once again, to tell him before the day was through. This time, however, I was resolute in my resolution. While he was in the shower, I was sitting on the couch, not really paying attention to Colbert, playing with the paper clip that I intended to have in hand when I did it (so as not to be quite so nervous). I came up with a little mantra (“I am not a chicken; I’m not, I’m not!”) and repeated it over and over to myself as I waited.
Brother came out and asked, “Harry Potter?” as I am now reading the fifth book to him, and I said, “Not yet….” Immediately, Brother understood.
“Are you going to follow him out to the garage?”
“I’m going to try,” I answered.
“Okay,” he said, “well, when you go out there, I’ll go sit in your room and wait with the book.”
“Okay,” I said, and smiled at him, because my little brother is so great.
Milo came out of the shower and sat on the couch next to me, and he was watching Colbert, and I was looking at the screen and reciting in my head, “I am not a chicken; I’m not, I’m not!!” Brother came into the room again and said, “Could you guys go watch this in the garage? I want to go to sleep” (because he sleeps on the couch). I looked at Brother, amazed, once more, by his intelligence. Milo, joking around, had Brother ask five times (“You have to ask politely,” he said) before finally saying, “Well, I’m tired, too, so I’m gonna go to bed anyway.” I looked at Brother one more time, gave him a thumbs-up, and followed Milo to the garage. I sort of hopped after him, I think with the intention of looking innocent and not as though I was about to drop a bomb. I hopped into the garage, shutting the door behind me, and stood at attention. He kind of looked at me funny (wonder why) and then I said seriously, “Can we talk?” and he said, “Sure”, so I moved over to the other side of the partition thing separating his bed from the rest of the garage, and he was at his bed, and I was just standing up, some feet away.
I said, “I have to do this before I lose one more day of self-respect,” and he said, “Okay,” and I said, “Don’t say anything until I’m finished,” and he said, “Okay.” I took a deep breath, realized I did not have my paper clip, freaked out a little, and said, “I………………..have to tell you that I…………………………..”
At this point, I actually looked at the door, and looked at the path to the door, and thought, “I can still run away! I haven’t said anything incriminating yet!!” and then immediately, I reminded myself, “I am not a chicken; I’m not, I’m not!!!!” So, wishing I had my paper clip, and attempting to stick my hands into pockets that were only deep enough for fingertips, I finished…
“…am in love with you,” I said. He started to say, “I know,” but mouthed it instead when he remembered he wasn’t supposed to speak, and nodded at the same time. I said, “You knew? Well, of course you knew. I knew you knew. But I just had to say it, you know? I’ve wanted to for so long.” He nodded. “Okay, so yeah, I just wanted to say it, and–and I know that you’re not ready to be in a relationship again; I know that. I’m not asking for that. I just had to say it, you know? You have no idea how hard it is to go that long without telling someone how you feel about them. So…I think that’s all I wanted to say.” The entire time I was speaking, I just wanted to stop and say, “I’m so sorry, I never should have told you this, it was wrong of me, stupid, stupid!”, but fortunately I realized that that would be a serious error on my part and kept silent.
I waited. He sort of had his head down, looking at the floor, presumably thinking of what he could say that would be safe, and I silently freaked out again, wondering if I was supposed to wait or if I was just supposed to go to bed after that. After an eternity, he said…
“I’ve sensed this coming. I’ve really been expecting it for the past few weeks.”
“That doesn’t surprise me,” I said, “but I’ve wanted to say this every day for two years.”
“Well, the thing is, Ginny…I am not in touch with my emotions right now at all.”
“I know,” I said.
He went on. “Honestly, I’m afraid to be in a relationship.”
“I know that, and I’m not asking for one,” I said.
“I know,” he said, “it’s just, the thing is, and this is the same thing I told Jenna, when I do get in a relationship, I worry constantly, about how it’s going to turn out. That’s what I did with the ex, which, to be fair, is not a good comparison, because I started dating her before I knew her, and I was an idiot for that. But it’s the same thing I did with Steph. Things never work out for me, and it’s because I never stop worrying. It’s probably 80% my fault.”
“It’s not you, it’s me,” I interjected.
“Yes,” he said, “exactly.” I nodded. “Deep down, Ginny, I know that you would probably be very good for me. You have done so much for me over the past several months, and I wish that I could repay you in some way. I don’t know if you’re letting me live here because you’re my friend, or because you are in love with me….”
“Maybe a little of both,” I said, not really even knowing.
“Maybe,” he said. “I wish there was some way I could repay you. I wish that I could give you…a heart.”
“Yeah….” I said.
He went on, “I’m just afraid of what it could turn into.”
“You need to learn how to not be afraid,” I said, and he said, “I know I do.”
There was a pause. I wasn’t sure if the conversation was over or if it wasn’t. “Well…I’m glad I finally said it,” I said.
“Me too, Ginny…me too,” he answered. “It’s good that you are in touch with your emotions.” And we were finally sitting down, which is good, because I was very weak at the knees by this point. He said, “Now, what is going to happen when we go to Virginia and Janey and I drop you off? How will you feel? Are you going to be suspicious the whole time that something is going on between us?”
“No, no,” I said, “I know you don’t ever want to be back with Janey.”
He said, “Well, how will you feel when I’m hanging out with Kara, or, god forbid, with Jenna? Are you going to be worrying and suspicious the whole time?”
I paused here, briefly, because worried and suspicious is how I always am. The wisest thing I could think to say was, “I’m trying not to let it bother me, because it’s immature to be that way.”
“That’s the problem,” he said. “Everyone just focuses on this one thing, and you’re all suspicious of each other, and it turns into all these petty arguments, and I don’t want that.”
“Well, me neither, I don’t want to be like that,” I said.
There was another short silence. I said, “Well, like I said, I’m just glad I finally said it, and I’m not asking you to date me or anything.”
And I looked at him, and he said, “It’s good to think about other things.”
“I know it is,” I said.
Another brief silence, and I stood up and said, “Okay, I’ll let you sleep now.” He was looking at me very closely, apparently noticing that I was all shaky, because I get all shaky after I’ve just completed something terrifying, and said, “Oh, you’re not going to go to bed and–?”
“I am not going to go cry now, no,” I said, rolling my eyes and smiling just a bit.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he said.
“Yes, I am good, and I am going to read Harry Potter to my brother.”
“Well…make sure he asks politely,” he said, in reference to earlier. I just laughed and said, “Okay…good night, Milo.”
“Good night, Ginny,” he said, and after another long look into those remarkable eyes, I turned and walked out.
In the words of Andrew Lincoln’s character in Love Actually: “Enough. Enough, now.”