For some reason, this was the title of Napoleon’s meeting this morning. (That’s my new boss. He thinks he can fill Wayne’s shoes. There’s no way.) I don’t remember discussing fear at all–I didn’t hear the word brought up…so what was the meaning of that? It’s just a bit creepy. Well, anyway….
I cannot believe I still haven’t done it. I finally gave myself permission–I’ve wanted to do it for the longest time–and now that I am able to at last, I can’t do it. There is no excuse for it. I don’t have some sort of instinct telling me not to do it now…everyone who knows the situation agrees that now would be a good time…even my fortune cookies are telling me to do it. For crying out loud. There is simply no excuse! I keep saying it’s my guilty conscience, that I don’t want to place the burden of knowing on him…. Honestly, after all this time, I think I may just have to accept the fact that I am chicken.
…Nobody calls me chicken.
If I could have done it a long time ago, I would have. I’ve wanted to do it since before he even moved to Maine! There have been innumerable times since then that I have been alone with him that I would have done it if not for the fact that it would have been exceedingly selfish of me. I think I have exercised the utmost self-control and courage over the past two and a half years in not telling him….
So why can’t I do it now? What is stopping me? What?
All I know is, it’s going to happen, and soon.