I am hopeless. Completely and utterly hopeless. I make a vow to tell him something that I have been longing to tell him for two years, and then for some reason, I can’t do it! I had all day after work yesterday, sitting in the garage, just the two of us—my parents weren’t home and we knew they wouldn’t be back for at least two hours, and Brother, Sister, and Sister’s boyfriend were in Sister’s room, so we knew they wouldn’t be bothering us—then later, when he asked me to go to Super Walmart with him, and we went, and they didn’t have what he wanted, so we went to plain Walmart, and finally we came home, and only Brother was there. Brother knows what I want to do, so I could have said, “Brother, I’m going to do it now, give us a little time alone,” and he would have complied immediately. Anyway, I had hours.
Here is what I did. We were out in the garage, he was drawing, I was next to him with the TV on, a little low, because we were talking and not really paying attention to it. I tried to bring up his drawing of Kara, as Nicole had suggested, to try and determine its meaning. I seriously screwed that one up. The conversation went something like this:
G: Have you ever read The Portrait of Dorian Gray?
M: No, I haven’t, but I’ve noticed the book in your room before. Is it any good?
G: Oh yes, it’s very good. *Pause.* It’s interesting…when Basil Hallward first paints the portrait, he’s afraid to let anyone see it, because he’s convinced people will be able to tell by looking at it that he is in love with Dorian. Like…*pause*…I guess he’s concerned that…*pause—and I had known exactly what I was going to say before I began*…people can tell…by looking at his brush strokes and stuff…and the care he takes with each one…how he really feels about Dorian.
There was a long pause here. My heart skipped several beats when I said the words “in love with”. Wow. Now I just need to add the words “I am” and “you”. Ha. It goes the same way with writing, you know. Like in this story Cortney and I were writing, one character receives a letter—I felt certain Milo would be able to tell when reading it that, in a way, I had written it to him—this was, of course, ridiculous—he probably doesn’t even know which of us actually wrote the letter. Usually what’s plain to the creator is not quite so obvious to everyone else. It’s like clapping out the notes to a song and expecting somebody else to be able to guess what song is stuck in your head. Anyway, finally I said:
G: Is it like that with you? Like…when you draw…something…when you’re drawing…people…or something…do you…when you’re drawing…like…when you were with your ex…well…when you were drawing…or if you ever…when you drew her…did you feel like people could tell…? This is an awkward subject; I’m sorry—never mind.
M: No, it’s not that awkward. Yeah, it can kind of feel that way sometimes…I remember one time, I was sitting in some classroom and drawing a picture of her…more like a cartoon, actually…and somebody said something to me….
Of course, I knew that it was Ms. Martin’s room, and that Shawn was the one who had made the comment. But there was no way I could say this because then he would know Shawn had been talking to me about him. What I said was:
G: Hmm…well, Hallward was a homosexual. Oscar Wilde, the guy who wrote the book, he was a homosexual, too.
M: Yeah, I know.
I couldn’t say what I really meant, because then he would wonder, “How do you know that?” It kind of felt like…this was my first impression at this point…when somebody in Back to the Future is telling a story from before Marty was born, but he knows about it, because he was there, intruding on the past…it kind of felt like that. Just these two tiny details were facts I should not have had. I had been spying on him.
Flashback to 2014. It was toward the end of February when I first learned about the ex. There was the day, after my suspicions about Milo and the ex had been building up for several days, that she wrote her phone number on his arm, gave him a hug, and went home, and Ms. Martin said, “Well, isn’t that cute”. But then one day we all went to a movie together, and he went well out of his way to take the ex home last. My suspicions only grew.
Naturally, everyone I knew knew everything I knew about the two of them. Every single one of my friends was a spy for me. How immature we high school kids were! Where was I going with this story?… Oh! Right, so by March 13th, I was sure that Milo and the ex had something going on. And because of little things that kept happening, I was not entirely sure if Milo knew that I knew, or if he was trying to hide it from me. On this particular day, I had to leave earlier than usual, so I was going to Ms. Martin’s room for only a few minutes of play practice, and then I had to leave again. When I walked into the room, the first thing I saw was Milo, sitting on the ex’s lap. He immediately stood up and kind of wandered away…. I immediately pulled Shawn out of the room and said, “I have to leave, but I’m going to write you a note, and I want you to keep an eye on them for me today. Just tell me if they act like they’re together or whatever. You know.” Shawn was ever obliging, and I wrote her a note, asking if she had seen them when we were walking in, and if she thought he had stood up because he saw me, or if that had just been circumstantial. Until that point, any evidence that he was hiding anything from me was simply circumstantial—it couldn’t be proven. It could have all been a string of coincidences. But there were a lot of them.
This story is getting much too long. To close up—Shawn told me he had drawn a picture of her, and it was really disgusting, and her nose was really big, trying to make me feel better…. Two days later, they started dating officially. For some reason, this note got saved in a stack of other notes that I have, so the other day, when Sister informed me that Milo, who rarely draws people that he actually knows, had been drawing a picture of Kara, I got a little freaked out. I went in my room, called Nicole, and started digging for that note which I knew I still had.
…Where the heck was I going with this? Oh wait, yeah, back to the present. So I didn’t do anything. I just had an unhappy flashback. I came extremely close that time. I started down the little path, with the brilliant plan, got off-course somehow, and failed myself miserably. There was more, but I won’t go into that right now because this is probably my longest post ever and I am sure I am really starting to drive people insane with this.