Milo was home when I got back from work last night. I walked in the door and said, “Let’s do something. I want to do something and I don’t know what, but I don’t want to watch a movie”, and he said, “I feel exactly the same way”, and then my dad asked to borrow my car for a few minutes, so we were sitting there in the living room, getting all absorbed in the television and having fun making fun of the cheesiness of the second Star Trek movie. We then realized that, thanks to a number of perfectly-timed circumstances, we were doing exactly what we did not want to do, so I suggested we go to Steak ‘n’ Shake. On the way there, I said, “So, what’s going on in your life nowadays?”, wondering if he would actually mention Kara.
“Nothing really…” he answered, not surprising me.
Then he said, “Yesterday I had to explain to Jenna that I have a crush on her sister.”
I just nodded, to show that, even though he had not mentioned this to me before, I was not an idiot and had realized all along that he had a crush on Kara. “Bet that was awkward,” I said.
“Yes, that was very awkward,” he replied. He then went on to say that he does not want to “like” anyone right now, which is old news, and I just nodded and was a little quiet, wanting to say something but knowing I shouldn’t. He spoke a bit about how his last two girlfriends cheated on him.
“I can’t date anyone for a while. It’s just hard for me to think of people that way…right now.”
I said, “Well, I imagine it would be hard for you to think you could trust someone again, if someone you cared about that much betrayed you.”
“Yes,” he said. “I mean, everyone gets impulses…it’s just a matter of what you do about them…I guess a lot of people act on them.”
I said, “Maybe…” and wanted to add, “But I would never do that to you,” and didn’t. Maybe I should have. But I waited too long, and then he changed the subject, and the moment was gone.
I just wish I could say it. The ‘L’ word. It’s been over two years now and I feel like I’ve waited long enough. But I know I need to wait longer. It just wouldn’t be fair to put that pressure on him when he lives in my house and has no escape from me.
One day he was talking about how Kara can have fun anywhere, like at Walmart, which was his example. I didn’t pipe in with, “I always have fun at Walmart”. I kept my mouth shut.
Then he started joking about the other night (when we all watched Mazes and Monsters at Jenna and Kara’s) when he decided he didn’t feel like watching a movie and was going to go home and sleep. Kara had just gone out with some people from work, and he told Heather and Jenna he was leaving, and Heather said, “Oh, I get it…so Kara leaves, and suddenly you don’t want to hang out with us anymore”. They’re all joking about it now. How can Jenna joke about something like this with him if she likes him too? I’m just reminded of what she said on the Ides of March: “I really wanted him for you or for Kara, but now I think he’d be good for me.” …I just can’t shake this feeling like Jenna doesn’t actually care about him but was…I don’t know, jealous of me or something. Like she went to him not because she wanted to know what he really thought, but because she wanted to hurt me. I hate to say that because I feel like it sounds kind of snobbish, but…look at what she did to me. I don’t know. Not sure what she’d have to be jealous about. Just this weird sort of gut feeling I have.
So then we went to Publix to see Kristen, and ended up coming home and watching a movie.
We also began to formulate a list of things that we can do (for little or no cost) when we are bored of sitting around watching movies all the time. I intend to carry it in my purse so that whenever we are desperate for something to do, it’s there.
***Not entirely sure why Bitstrips put a bra on the outside of my shirt in the picture above, but I went with it. Maybe it’s like wearing your heart on your sleeve?