Today I changed my mind and decided to say it. Yeah, that’s right–the ‘L’ word. I was going to say it.
But as soon as he got home, he wanted to watch Crazy, Stupid Love, which I just got on Blu-Ray, and I’d been planning to watch it right before he showed up, so we watched it. And then I couldn’t say anything afterward, because it would just seem so cheesy to bring up something like that after watching a rom-com.
I had many perfect opportunities today that were wasted. For example, after Crazy, Stupid Love, I had to go to the gas station, and there was stuff all over my windshield and it took us about fifteen minutes to get it off, and then we went to the gas station, and then there was a long period of time when just the two of us were here at the house and we knew no one else was coming back for a good while…it would have been ideal. But I didn’t say anything. I keep wondering why I would say something like this when I know that he doesn’t want a girlfriend and isn’t interested in me anyway. I’m setting myself up for misery. …But I have to say it, and I realized this, and I was sitting there looking at him for the longest time and he was writing and I wasn’t saying anything, and I was fidgeting with this little clicky thing for people with ADD….
Of course, I lost the opportunity. And so, later on, when my entire family (except Sister, who was at her boyfriend’s) was sitting around watching The Avengers, I asked him to go for a walk with me. The time was 9:16 by my watch. We walked all around my neighborhood, and we were talking this new character he invented for most of the time, and I kept trying to figure out how to bring it up, and I went out there with no plan whatsoever, and I didn’t even know what I was going to say after “I am in love with you”, and so I couldn’t think quite how to get started….
Finally, I decided to just say it and then after I had, to say whatever else came to mind. And so at last, I opened my mouth and took a deep breath…
…And he mentioned Kara. And Jenna. He was talking about the other day when he walked into their house and Jenna was just sitting there and asked him flat out, “Do you like Kara?” He explained that he does like Kara, and while he can’t help who he likes, he doesn’t really want to like anyone, and he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now at all…. And he said that Jenna brought up the conversation they had when he was about to move back to Maine again. This hit me hard–Jenna confessed her feelings about Milo to him when she found out he was going to be leaving, and I didn’t.
I had been about to say it, finally, with not quite so much guilt attached as there could have been before, and I lost the best opportunity. I couldn’t say it after he told me that Jenna had told him how she felt about him. It would be like in the series finale of Friends, when Ross was just about to tell Rachel he was in love with her, and that nerd guy stepped right in front of him and said it first.
So I didn’t say anything. And I continued to just listen as he said that he is still not 100% over his ex, even though he would like to be, and how he really does like Kara, but he doesn’t want a girlfriend.
And after that, it was a moot point. I keep thinking it would just be so much easier to simply write him a letter, but out of self-discipline and self-gratification, I am going to force myself to say it in person. I know I would regret not actually saying the words to him. That is what I want to do. But the timing is always bad. I have to find a way!
…And Jenna told him how she feels! Now when I finally do, it’s going to be like, “Well, that’s great, Ginny, join the club. Jenna was here first; she already told me.” It’ll be like it’s not significant because someone else has already done it. That’s how it feels. That’s why I couldn’t do it after he mentioned that to me, along with several other things that just made it hard and which I already explained and I am just rambling now. I should go ahead and post this.
Oh, one more thing–when he said that he wasn’t 100% over the ex, he added, “Sometimes I almost think I want to date someone–just anyone–for just a little while, so maybe I can get over her.” And then I, Ginny the genius, pipe in, “Nope, that doesn’t work; I tried it.” I immediately regretted it, because what would he think? Who’d she try that with? Who did she need to get over that she didn’t? He would know it was him. He must have. Smooth move on my part…simply brilliant. Though he did agree with me that that probably would not work.