Crazy and Stupid

Today I changed my mind and decided to say it.  Yeah, that’s right–the ‘L’ word.  I was going to say it.

But as soon as he got home, he wanted to watch Crazy, Stupid Love, which I just got on Blu-Ray, and I’d been planning to watch it right before he showed up, so we watched it.  And then I couldn’t say anything afterward, because it would just seem so cheesy to bring up something like that after watching a rom-com.

I had many perfect opportunities today that were wasted.  For example, after Crazy, Stupid Love, I had to go to the gas station, and there was stuff all over my windshield and it took us about fifteen minutes to get it off, and then we went to the gas station, and then there was a long period of time when just the two of us were here at the house and we knew no one else was coming back for a good while…it would have been ideal.  But I didn’t say anything.  I keep wondering why I would say something like this when I know that he doesn’t want a girlfriend and isn’t interested in me anyway.  I’m setting myself up for misery.  …But I have to say it, and I realized this, and I was sitting there looking at him for the longest time and he was writing and I wasn’t saying anything, and I was fidgeting with this little clicky thing for people with ADD….

Of course, I lost the opportunity.  And so, later on, when my entire family (except Sister, who was at her boyfriend’s) was sitting around watching The Avengers, I asked him to go for a walk with me.  The time was 9:16 by my watch.  We walked all around my neighborhood, and we were talking this new character he invented for most of the time, and I kept trying to figure out how to bring it up, and I went out there with no plan whatsoever, and I didn’t even know what I was going to say after “I am in love with you”, and so I couldn’t think quite how to get started….

Finally, I decided to just say it and then after I had, to say whatever else came to mind.  And so at last, I opened my mouth and took a deep breath…

…And he mentioned Kara. And Jenna.  He was talking about the other day when he walked into their house and Jenna was just sitting there and asked him flat out, “Do you like Kara?”  He explained that he does like Kara, and while he can’t help who he likes, he doesn’t really want to like anyone, and he doesn’t want a girlfriend right now at all….  And he said that Jenna brought up the conversation they had when he was about to move back to Maine again.  This hit me hard–Jenna confessed her feelings about Milo to him when she found out he was going to be leaving, and I didn’t.

I had been about to say it, finally, with not quite so much guilt attached as there could have been before, and I lost the best opportunity.  I couldn’t say it after he told me that Jenna had told him how she felt about him.  It would be like in the series finale of Friends, when Ross was just about to tell Rachel he was in love with her, and that nerd guy stepped right in front of him and said it first.

So I didn’t say anything.  And I continued to just listen as he said that he is still not 100% over his ex, even though he would like to be, and how he really does like Kara, but he doesn’t want a girlfriend.

And after that, it was a moot point.  I keep thinking it would just be so much easier to simply write him a letter, but out of self-discipline and self-gratification, I am going to force myself to say it in person.  I know I would regret not actually saying the words to him.  That is what I want to do.  But the timing is always bad.  I have to find a way!

And Jenna told him how she feels!  Now when I finally do, it’s going to be like, “Well, that’s great, Ginny, join the club.  Jenna was here first; she already told me.”  It’ll be like it’s not significant because someone else has already done it.  That’s how it feels.  That’s why I couldn’t do it after he mentioned that to me, along with several other things that just made it hard and which I already explained and I am just rambling now.  I should go ahead and post this.

Oh, one more thing–when he said that he wasn’t 100% over the ex, he added, “Sometimes I almost think I want to date someone–just anyone–for just a little while, so maybe I can get over her.”  And then I, Ginny the genius, pipe in, “Nope, that doesn’t work; I tried it.”  I immediately regretted it, because what would he think?  Who’d she try that with?  Who did she need to get over that she didn’t?  He would know it was him.  He must have.  Smooth move on my part…simply brilliant.  Though he did agree with me that that probably would not work.

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Truthiness

Milo was home when I got back from work last night.  I walked in the door and said, “Let’s do something.  I want to do something and I don’t know what, but I don’t want to watch a movie”, and he said, “I feel exactly the same way”, and then my dad asked to borrow my car for a few minutes, so we were sitting there in the living room, getting all absorbed in the television and having fun making fun of the cheesiness of the second Star Trek movie.  We then realized that, thanks to a number of perfectly-timed circumstances, we were doing exactly what we did not want to do, so I suggested we go to Steak ‘n’ Shake.  On the way there, I said, “So, what’s going on in your life nowadays?”, wondering if he would actually mention Kara.

“Nothing really…” he answered, not surprising me.

Then he said, “Yesterday I had to explain to Jenna that I have a crush on her sister.”

I just nodded, to show that, even though he had not mentioned this to me before, I was not an idiot and had realized all along that he had a crush on Kara.  “Bet that was awkward,” I said.

“Yes, that was very awkward,” he replied.  He then went on to say that he does not want to “like” anyone right now, which is old news, and I just nodded and was a little quiet, wanting to say something but knowing I shouldn’t.  He spoke a bit about how his last two girlfriends cheated on him.

“I can’t date anyone for a while.  It’s just hard for me to think of people that way…right now.”

I said, “Well, I imagine it would be hard for you to think you could trust someone again, if someone you cared about that much betrayed you.”

“Yes,” he said.  “I mean, everyone gets impulses…it’s just a matter of what you do about them…I guess a lot of people act on them.”

I said, “Maybe…” and wanted to add, “But I would never do that to you,” and didn’t.  Maybe I should have.  But I waited too long, and then he changed the subject, and the moment was gone.

I just wish I could say it.  The ‘L’ word.  It’s been over two years now and I feel like I’ve waited long enough.  But I know I need to wait longer.  It just wouldn’t be fair to put that pressure on him when he lives in my house and has no escape from me.

One day he was talking about how Kara can have fun anywhere, like at Walmart, which was his example.  I didn’t pipe in with, “I always have fun at Walmart”.  I kept my mouth shut.

Then he started joking about the other night (when we all watched Mazes and Monsters at Jenna and Kara’s) when he decided he didn’t feel like watching a movie and was going to go home and sleep.  Kara had just gone out with some people from work, and he told Heather and Jenna he was leaving, and Heather said, “Oh, I get it…so Kara leaves, and suddenly you don’t want to hang out with us anymore”.  They’re all joking about it now.  How can Jenna joke about something like this with him if she likes him too?  I’m just reminded of what she said on the Ides of March:  “I really wanted him for you or for Kara, but now I think he’d be good for me.”  …I just can’t shake this feeling like Jenna doesn’t actually care about him but was…I don’t know, jealous of me or something.  Like she went to him not because she wanted to know what he really thought, but because she wanted to hurt me.  I hate to say that because I feel like it sounds kind of snobbish, but…look at what she did to me.  I don’t know.  Not sure what she’d have to be jealous about.  Just this weird sort of gut feeling I have.

So then we went to Publix to see Kristen, and ended up coming home and watching a movie.

We also began to formulate a list of things that we can do (for little or no cost) when we are bored of sitting around watching movies all the time.  I intend to carry it in my purse so that whenever we are desperate for something to do, it’s there.

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***Not entirely sure why Bitstrips put a bra on the outside of my shirt in the picture above, but I went with it.  Maybe it’s like wearing your heart on your sleeve?

Scent-sational

I don’t know anything about perfume, but I’m interested in finding myself a signature scent.  The opportunity to sample a large number of scents in rapid succession arrived in the form of a large stack of magazines my friend was getting rid of.  I have finally made my way through all of them, and while I threw out about half, I still have a sizeable stack of finalists left.  I plan to get more samples of what’s left for another go-round and then just keep narrowing down the stack.

Here’s what I’m left with:

  • Versace Bright Crystal
  • Calvin Klein Euphoria
  • Lancome La Vie Est Belle
  • Jo Malone London Mimosa & Cardamom
  • Michael Kors Sexy Amber
  • Michael Kors 24K Brilliant Gold
  • Michael Kors Glam Jasmine
  • Marc Jacobs Decadence
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Dream
  • Marc Jacobs Daisy Eau So Fresh
  • Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet
  • Miss Dior Eau de Toilette
  • Miss Dior Eau de Parfum
  • Chanel Chance
  • Chanel Coco Mademoiselle
  • My Burberry
  • Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold
  • Elizabeth Arden Untold Absolu
  • Modern Muse Le Rouge

In short, there are a heck of a lot more perfumes out there than I even realized before taking on this mission, and I have no idea what I want.  Just relieved I managed to pave it down this far!

One thought I had is that I might just have two signature scents:  Something spicy and woodsy for winter, and something fresh and floral for all the hot months.

Thoughts?  What scents do you all like?

Looking For Substance

I haven’t really had anything of substance to say in a few days.  I don’t have much substance to add today, either.  Let’s see….

Last night Milo waited up for me to come home so we could talk.  Actually, I think I very much like coming home and he’s here waiting for me.  I can’t help it, I know that sounds selfish, but…it’s very cool.

There’s also the fact that, considering he’s right outside my door when I go to sleep, he’s usually the last thing I think about before falling asleep, so dreams are great.

One thing that I haven’t mentioned to anyone…before he moved in, I’d been giving more serious thought to just telling him how I felt, ever since he was going to go back to Maine…I knew I was going to probably the night before he left, but since he decided to stay, I’ve just been thinking about telling him anyway.  I was explaining to Dustin why I was only going to tell him if he did move away, because I made myself promise a long time ago, and Dustin said, “He could die tomorrow in a car accident, and then you’d never have told him” and that made me think perhaps I should say something.  How can you never tell someone you’re in love with that you are?  But now that he’s living here, I’m not going to do it; it would be the absolute worst possible timing.

Not that this is the same thing, but I’ve only ever told Sister I love her a handful of times in my entire life.  She and I have an unspoken understanding.  Neither of us is comfortable saying it to the other in most cases, but we know.

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First Shoot

Had my first photo shoot today!  We had a great time!

I met up with the photographer and his wife in historic Avondale and we did this kind of Breakfast At Tiffany’s theme.  I just walked around for a while acting like I was shopping.  The photographer’s wife was along to do my hair and makeup and assist with posing.  We all had a lot of fun, I think.

Then we went to School 4.

I had always heard of School 4.  I remember students used to talk about sneaking in there in the middle of the night.  It was something I always wanted to do and just somehow never had the chance.  It was very eerie in there.  There’s this whole open area in the middle that’s completely overgrown, and that’s where the auditorium used to be.  And there’s the bottom floor which is completely dark and wow, I just got a shiver thinking about it.  The only people who enter this place are homeless, students, and photographers.  We ended up getting chased off by police, but we’d been shooting for a few hours by then and were just about finished up, anyway.  We had a good laugh over it.

The photographer sent me a few pics so far.